Green Tennessee

Born on a mountaintop in Tennessee
Greenest state in the Land of the Free
Raised in the woods so he knew every tree
Killed him a b'ar when he was only three

Dav-eee, Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier

"Ballad of Davy Crockett" c.1955

The Volunteer State remains the "greenest". It gave us environmental crusader Al Gore. It legalized firearms in bars so Tennesseans can immediately blow away that guy who dissed them during Happy Hour rather than having to drive home for their trusty .44 magnum thus saving tons of CO2 emissions.

It is also the home to Toyota's largest US manufacturing plant from whence cometh the Greenest Car on Earth, the Prius. The Prius may help save the planet, but, as three University of Tennessee football players found, it makes a bad getaway car. Late Wednesday night, the three walked up to a car parked at an off-campus hangout, pointed a CO2 pellet gun at its occupants, and demanded cash. Alas, the victims were cashless and the perpetrators made their escape in a Prius. The victims did have cell phones handy and before you can dial 911, the police were on the way. It didn't take long for their 450 HP Crown Vic to overtake the perp's Prius and bring the gridders to justice. Well, sort of. The Vols have a big game scheduled for Saturday and we are talking about three really good players here. A decision on their status has not been made as yet.

Should the case come to trial, counsel might try a "green" defense. "Your honor, these fine young Tennesseans were only doing what any environmentally-conscious citizen of this great state would do under the circumstances. They were concerned about the impact of the so-called victim's gas guzzler on the quality of the air that they would have to breathe to gain further gridiron glory for our beloved Vols. They approached that polluting monster with a CO2 pellet gun. Bear in mind that every molecule of CO2 in a pellet cartridge is one less greenhouse gas in the atmosphere! They didn't want cash for themselves, but merely to take it from the so-called victim who would only squander it on gasoline resulting in even more pollution. How can the Prosecution claim that these environmental crusaders attempted an escape from justice? The record shows that their Prius's gas engine never kicked in! It is the so-called victim who is the criminal here - a criminal against the environment! My clients added zero!, zero! to their carbon footprint in this entire incident. They should be praised, not convicted!

(Should you feel differently, Judge, could you let me know before I have to get my bet down with my bookie? The Vols are screwed without these guys.)