The current issue of "Time" reports a $15.99 refund offered to dissatisfied purchasers of any Baby Einstein educational DVD after studies showed that the products did not improve infant intelligence.
Now, that is a disappointment. I had hoped that after propping an infant in front of the TV for a few hours of Baby Einstein, the kid would begin soliloquizing on the convertibility of matter to energy, win a Nobel Prize or two, and. at the very least, change his own diaper.
How did they determine whether Baby Einstein worked or not? "Here in Room A, we have Baby Einstein running in a continuous loop. Note that the infant is spitting up, pooping, and sleeping. Here in Room B, we have The Jerry Springer Show running in a continuous loop. Again, the infant is spitting up, pooping, and sleeping. There's no difference! Better get those $15.99 refund checks printed up."
"Wait a minute. Our production crew in Room B is also spitting up, pooping, and sleeping. The Springer Show must dumb down its viewers to the level of infants. Let's spin this to make back our Baby Einstein refunds!"
"Are you overweight, constipated, and sleep-deprived? This Jerry Springer DVD is the answer! After watching a few episodes like "My Mom slept with my pet ferret and my new little brothers and sisters were born naked and blind", you will upchuck that calorie-laden snack, your bowels will loosen, and you will sleep like a care-free baby. Call now. Operators are standing by."
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