Dust Bunnies

You can take the boy out of the Army, but you can't take the Army out of the boy. Every morning for the past 40 years, I make my bed as soon as I depart it. The trauma of having my old Drill Instructor screaming and spraying spittle in my face because my bunk failed the bouncing coin test lives on.

Now, bedsheets and blanket must be tucked in superlatively tight for the D.I.'s coin to properly bounce on them. These civilian sheets require daily tightening which is a problem due to the presence of that scourge, the dust ruffle. Extending from the mattress to the floor, it invariably becomes scrunched up in the sheet tightening process leading to re-lifting of the mattress, loosening of the sheets and here we go again. Frustration sets in and frustrated is no way to begin the day.

What is the purpose of the dust ruffle anyway? It doesn't prevent those dust bunnies from gathering beneath the bed. In fact, by blocking them from view, it probably allows them to have wild dust bunny parties and you know how that turns out - baby dust bunnies.

It doesn't allay children's fears of night-time monsters beneath the bed. What child will lift the ruffle for fear of disturbing a monster? It is much more reassuring to peek beneath a ruffle-free bed and see the remnants of disassembled toys and games. "So that's where my Chutes and Ladders game pieces are! I can sleep soundly now."

The dust ruffle serves no purpose other than decoration and complicating the bed-making process. The Army isn't very big on domestic decoration, but it is noted for making the simplest tasks even more difficult. Perhaps the military should require dust ruffles on Army bunks. It would give Drill Instructors another reason to browbeat recruits and that is never a bad thing,