Helmets

Nobody looks good in a bicycle helmet.

It's not so much the strips in contrasting color that run from forehead on back and resemble a weasel. The problem is with the overall shape of the thing. A bicycle helmet resembles an overturned gravy boat. That funky "spout" on its back dates back to the Los Angeles Olympics in '84. Since the Soviet Bloc countries were boycotting those Games, the good old USA! USA! for the first time in forever garnered medals in cycling. Television covered the sport extensively. Breathless commentators credited that success in part to the advanced aerodynamic properties of our cyclists' helmets. The wind whooshing past the "gravy boat spout" created "lift" just like an airplane wing.

Now, "lift" may be beneficial at 40 mph on an Olympic cycling track, but it probably isn't much help to little Tiffany at 5 mph on the family driveway. Wouldn't those photos of Tiff on her Disney Princess Huffy be much cooler if instead of the inverted gravy boat on her head, she took a page from "Easy Rider" and went with the Peter Fonda hair-flowing-unencumbered-in-the-breeze look or the Dennis Hopper Australian-digger-hat, or even the Jack Nicholson 50s-era- Army-football-helmet? The Hells Angels bandana or German Army helmet thing might be a bit much for this year's Christmas card photo though.

Parents, beware. Some day, Tiffany will see that photo of the overturned gravy boat on her head and "die of embarrassment".