Sports Radio commercials offer products to relieve modern man's greatest fears.
Getting a little "thin on top"? Hair replacement surgery, products, or toupees are advertised around the "20 - 20 Sports Updates".
Having trouble "performing"? Brand name E.D. pills can be delivered to your door "in a plain paper wrapper" or picked-up at Fed Ex if you want to surprise the wife (or if you've got something on the side that you don't want to wife to know about). Better yet, that embarrassing "talk with your doctor" can be avoided. These mail order outfits have "medical professionals" who will clear you for whoopie based on a phone call. The phone lines to Mumbai must be ringing off the hook. "Rajiv, are we doctors or computer experts today?"
The standard array of automotive and handyman products are advertised as well.
Yesterday, I heard a new one - Laser treatment for toenail fungus. The commercial is a dramatized "intervention" wherein Bob's friends and family inform him that his unsightly toenails are damaging his social standing and instilling fear in small children. The microlaser zaps the fungus and only the fungus which is reassuring for those of us who remember Luke Skywalker's hand being sliced off by a laser light sword in the first Star Wars movie. "Sorry, Luke! I was only trying to eliminate that unsightly fingernail fungus."
Call me squeamish, but I'd never zap my toenails. The laser literally burns what it touches and the odor of burning finger or toe nails is a phobia from my past. Part of the hazing procedure for first-year Boy Scout campers was to ignite a small tin can full of nail clippings and tie closed the kids' tent flaps while they slept. Retching would inevitably ensue. I could handle the cherry bomb down the latrine stack and even the finger dipping into warm water to instigate nocturnal urination, but the smell of burning keratin brings up the bile every time.
Just clear the room of small children when I take off my shoes and socks.
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