Rush the Ram

News Flash - Rush Limbaugh is purchasing a major ownership share in the National Football League's St Louis Rams.

What are the requirements to be an NFL owner and how does Mr Limbaugh fill the bill?

1. Incredible wealth. NFL teams are valued between $700 million and $1.1 billion depending on whether they own or lease their stadium, local broadcasting revenue, and sales of their Cheerleaders in Lingerie Calendar. Obviously, El Rushmo has several hundred million dollars of spare change jangling around his pocket. He will fit right in with the guy who founded Home Depot and owns the Atlanta Falcons and the guy who started Hardee's and owns the Carolina Panthers. He earned his largess the hard way, too!

2. Camera Awareness. TV broadcasts invariably show reaction shots from the Owner's Box at exciting moments during NFL games. While face-painted, team-colors-wearing fans exposed to the elements and juiced on $8 beer are high-fiving and going nuts in the background, the owners and their trophy wives / girlfriends politely applaud. El Rushmo can add to this excitement with his patented pause, throat clear, and paper-rattle. Hey, it's worked for years on radio.

3. Play Calling. Half the fun of owning a football team is occasionally calling a play. If it goes for a touchdown, it was all the owner's idea. If it fails, no one is the wiser. A coach who blames the owner will collect his next paycheck from Southeast Siberia State University. This may be a problem for El Rushmo. His political views will require that all formations be "strong right", that play calls be "conservative", and that the forward pass be eliminated. Two players sharing credit for a successful play is just so "socialist". It will be easy to discern which are Rush's plays.