Doctor Dan

As a chemical engineering major, my undergraduate courses included Physical, Inorganic, and Organic Chemistry. The toughest of the three was Organic Chemistry because all those aspiring Marcus Welby pre-med types shared the course with us. They absolutely, positively had to ace "Organic" to get a shot at med school and would devote uncounted hours to memorizing the difference between alkanes, alkenes, and alkynes, thus skewing "the grading curve", sending us closer to a mid-term "F" and the dreaded "We will notify your Draft Board on your lack of academic progress."

Apparently, doctors aren't as chemically literate as they were back in the day. "Doctor Dan" writes to the automotive advice column, "Click & Clack Talk Cars":

"You mentioned in a recent column that ethylene glycol (anti-freeze) is toxic to animals. Is it also toxic to humans? I'm a doctor and I prescribe a medicine for my patients that cleans out their colon. Its main ingredient is polyethylene glycol which sounds an awful lot like ethylene glycol. So when I prescribe this, am I really prescribing anti-freeze? Could I just tell my patients to down a gallon of Prestone and save themselves a trip to the pharmacy?"

Click & Clack correctly point out that after downing a gallon of anti-freeze, your annual colonoscopy is the last thing you need to worry about. Immediate heart failure and, if you survive that, kidney damage might be more pressing issues.

My response to "Doctor Dan" would be:

"Good question, Dan-o! Those chemists and their confusing, similar-sounding names for things! Let's discuss this over a shot or two of methyl alcohol. It's just one letter more than the ethyl alcohol that makes up half of Cuervo tequila and has the added advantage of causing blindness and respiratory failure. To do it right, we'll need a lick of salt and a squeeze of lemon. If we can't find any sodium chloride table salt, we'll go with calcium chloride de-icing salt. They "sound an awful lot" alike and it's not as if the calcium chloride will scar your trachea every time. If lemons are out of season, their critical ingredient is citric acid. Let's just change the first letter to "n". A squeeze of Nitric Acid and that harsh tequila taste will go right away. In fact, you won't taste anything ever again because the acid will dissolve your tongue.

By the way, Doctor Dan, it's probably a good idea to have some concept of the chemical properties of what you prescribe for your patients."