Bears!

There are headlines that chill the soul and revive the fears of our youth. "Razor Blades Found in Halloween Treats", if true, would be an example. "Machete-Wielding Psychopath At Large Near Remote Summer Camp" is another. "President Born Outside US, Programmed By Terrorists" is a recent addition to the list.

An actual headline from last week read, "Russian Ice-Skating Bear Kills Trainer". The story continues. "The director of a circus arena said an ice-skating bear turned on its trainers, killing one and seriously wounding another as they were rehearsing a show in Bishkek, Kyrgystan."

Most readers would skip past this story on their way to the latest update on the Taylor Swift / Kanye West brouhaha, but for anyone who was in the US military forty years ago, this story brings validation. "OMG, my drill sergeant was right. The Russkies really did have a secret weapon - ice-skating bears!"

In those days, whatever we did, the Russians did better or so we were told. "You think that running a mile in full CBR gear trying to breathe through a gas mask is tough? The Russians run five miles every day for a month!" "You think it's tough digging a foxhole in frozen ground? The Russians do it with their bare hands!"

Beyond toughness, the Russians had it all over us in military technology back then, Russian-built tanks and jets really did a job on us in Korea. Sputnik would lead to satellites raining destruction on Main Street USA from space. And God only knows what "secret weapons" they were developing.

We returned to our barracks each night feeling that we had to train even harder the next day to keep up with the Russians. Of course, it might all be in vain if they developed a really good secret weapon. It took a while, but finally they have it. Imagine the terror as an American infantryman faces a snarling, massive Russian bear racing toward him on skates across the frozen tundra.

"I'll do two miles in my gas mask and dig that foxhole with my bare toes, Sarge. Just keep me away from those ice-skating bears."