April Angst

March Madness concluded last night in April Angst. Despite our bracket choices being shattered by the likes of hoops powerhouses Northern Iowa and Saint Mary's of California (as opposed to Southwestern Iowa and Saint Mary's of Idaho), we continued watching the games religiously on TV.

In my case, I followed the Tournament to its bitter end seeking the answers to these questions:

1. Why are there male cheerleaders? When I was an undergrad, I would have leaped at the chance to hoist a lovely female cheer babe above my head though I would have had second thoughts about wearing a dorky uniform and carrying a megaphone. Surely, there's an iPad app that would allow me to project my voice in a better fashion than a cardboard cone that was probably filled with popcorn at one time. Also, I'm not sure that "male cheerleader" is what will "wow" the better Law School Admissions Boards under Extracurricular Activities.

2. Why are there flutes in the "Pep Bands"? With 70,000 screaming fans in the stands, a trumpet or trombone has a chance of being heard above the din, but a flute will surely be drowned out. There's a Life Lesson here for you undergraduates. Sometimes, no matter how good you are, you will be lost in the cacophony. Remember this when you enter Corporate America.

3. Am I the only one who is freaked out by the costumed "Burger King" character in those ubiquitous commercials? His face is frozen in a smile resembling Joan Rivers after her most recent botox treatment. Worst of all, he wears white tights and black "Mary Jane" single-strap slippers. He looks like every 4 year old girl at the Pre-School Christmas Pageant from the knees down. Stephen King demonized clowns for a generation with the evil Pennywise in "It". I'm convinced the white-faced, red-haired clown was based on Ronald McDonald and I refused to eat Chicken McNuggets for fear that they would entice me to a sure death down a storm drain. If King were to write "It" today, he would surely describe Pennywise as the frozen-faced, white tights-wearing Burger King. "It" would be a lot scarier.