Ballpark Promotions

What if the Reading Phillies expanded their Gluttony Night promotion to cover the remaining Seven Deadly Sins? Sloth was covered yesterday.

For Wrath Night, they could seat Tea Partiers next to Limousine Liberals and play Sarah Palin film clips on the message board after the visitor's half of each inning followed by Nancy Pelosi's Greatest Hits after the home team's half. That should stir up the crowd more than ads for upcoming games or "Support Our Sponsor - Heffelfinger's Auto Salvage and Discotheque", Of course, no ballpark promotion is complete without a give-away. The Tea Partiers might receive toy AK-47s to threaten the Obama supporters while the Liberals would get their very own copy of the Health Care Bill with special coverage for a truss if they attempt to lift the massive tome.

Greed Night would involve a pre-game competition between a team of local hedge fund managers opposed by a squad of two year-olds. The hedge fund managers would recklessly dabble in the sub-prime mortgage market with other peoples' money and lose their shirts. The two year-olds would recklessly ravage the food concessions and souvenir stands with Mom and Dad's money and spend it all. The crowd would then vote on which team was less grateful - the hedge fund managers or the tots. "Too Big To Fail" versus "Too Cute To Fail" - let the people decide!

Pride Night has been done to death. Depending on the area's demographics, baseball teams have had Italian Heritage Pride Night, Puerto Rican Pride Night, and even Gay Pride Night. For a change of pace, the Reading Phillies might consider Lion Pride Night wherein a lucky fan receives a pride of lions. This is not the group of middle-aged guys who meet every Wednesday for lunch at a local hotel and discuss good works for the community, but a group of actual carnivores who meet daily at the local watering hole to savagely dismember and consume any creature smaller than they are. "Mom, can I keep them? I promise I'll feed them an antelope every day and I'll make sure that they never get at the baby."

Envy and Lust Nights can be combined. The ball club would offer free admission to "dancers" from the local gentlemen's club. The ladies would perform free lap dances for lucky patrons between innings magnified for all to see on the Jumbotron. The envy and lust will flow like Niagara Falls! Concession sales will plummet and the teams on the field may not even bother to warm up, but if the Reading Phillies season is not going well, the chance for a free lap dance will certainly increase attendance.

Equipment, apparel, and bobblehead giveaways are passe'. Ethnic Pride Nights are so 20th century. Baseball needs to embrace the seven deadly sins to regain the public's interest.