The classified ads are a source of wonderment. What is the story behind "Wedding Dress, Size 14, Never Worn"? Was this "The Case of the Faithless Fiance" or "We decided to elope to Las Vegas and the dress just didn't fit into the Elvis theme for our wedding"?
How complete is the story revealed in "Book For Sale - Liberace - Complete Life Story. Copyright 1954"? How different would it be from the posthumous 1987 version that explained the real reason behind those jewel-encrusted capes and the candelabra on the piano?
Today's classifieds include "Giant Inflatable Gnome - For your home, office, or backyard. Great gift item. Inflates to 36" high, so it's sure to get everyone's attention." That's for sure. Nothing denotes professionalism in office decor more than a giant inflatable gnome next to your mahogany desk and ficus tree. All the successful CEOs have one! "We were going to get you a gazing ball for your office on Boss's Day, but we were worried that Saruman would use it to spy on the company. Then we thought about a set of pink flamingos but they wouldn't anchor in your plush carpet. This giant, inflatable gnome seemed perfect. You can use his pointy hat as a spindle for notes and messages."
Actually, isn't giant gnome a contradiction in terms not unlike jumbo shrimp or military intelligence? Once those bearded, pointy-hatted guys reach 36 inches high, they lose that cute, winsome quality and become downright scary. If we set the minimum height for a "giant" at 7 feet tall, a towering gnome would cause a frightened stampede from any venue other than a basketball arena.
Perhaps the true place for giant gnomes is, in fact, the office. The co-worker "drop-by and chat" negatively impacts office productivity more than Fantasy Football or Girl Scout Cookie Sales. When Joe Cubicle really needs to concentrate on that quarterly report, all he's got to do is blow up his giant gnome and potential interrupters will flee in panic. Joe can work in solitude.
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