Be Very Afraid

A common plot device in low-budget horror movies of the '50s was the seemingly innocuous doll or ventriloquist's dummy that comes to evil life and wreaks havoc on the innocent. Its first victim was usually the chief tormentor of its child owner which led to more than a few sleepless nights. I was sure that my sister's Barbie was growing fangs after I had "inadvertently" dunked her a few times in the swimming pool that day. Surely, the next morning would find me eviscerated and Barbie's Dream House slathered in my blood. Must stay awake. Must stay awake.

Those memories returned with KIA Motor's TV commercials featuring dolls come to life. A cloth monkey, what appears to be a giant red pickle, a robot, and a Teddy Bear somehow morph to human size and drive a KIA down the strip in Vegas to the driving beat of a disco song. The monkey rides a mechanical bull and gets a tattoo. The Giant Pickle makes a spare with the assistance of an exploding bowling ball. The Robot logically does "The Robot" at what appears to be an exclusive dance club. The Teddy Bear does nothing though I could see him raiding the live fish tank at a trendy restaurant in KIA Commercial - The Sequel.

All in all, these inanimate objects are having more fun in a 60 second commercial than I have had in 62 years of human life. Is it because I have never driven a KIA?

The scariest aspect of the commercial is when the disco beat ceases and we see the dolls returned to their original dimensions and being strapped into a KIA. The KIA starts up. The disco beat resumes and the camera closes in on the dolls who I just know will achieve human proportions and inhuman strength, gain control of the vehicle, drive to Las Vegas, and resume their hedonistic ways.

Be afraid, people. Be very afraid. The innocent-appearing doll Chucky spread blood and gore through several cinematic sequels and could not be destroyed. What chance do we have against four (count 'em, four) dolls-come-to-life now that they have tasted human pleasures.