My Permanent Record

A recent Dilbert strip brought back fond memories. Evil HR Director Catbert informs the Clueless Pointy-Haired Boss that "We can keep our payroll expenses low by giving employees bad reviews. Use this list of employee defects so you don't repeat yourself. It's less obvious this way."

The Boss then states to Dilbert, "Awkward, bumbling, cowardly, dumb..." and Dilbert replies, "My faults are suspiciously alphabetical."

That is not far off the mark. Every review I ever had both in the corporate and military worlds had strong negativity. Initially, I took it to heart. After all, this stuff is going on My Permanent Record along with that embarrassing milk spilling incident from 3rd grade recess, the time I forgot my gym clothes in 10th grade, that minor explosion in Freshman Chemistry Lab, and the time I vomited after a three-mile run in Basic Training. What if my Mom finds out?

One day, I noted a pamphlet from HR on the boss's desk before my Quarterly Performance Review. He wasn't around, so I sneaked a peek. It stated in no uncertain terms that faults of some sort must be recorded and that no ratings shall exceed 3.0 on a 4.0 scale. Only general managers and higher can receive a 3.5.

It's all a game and it's rigged. I mentioned my finding to a co-worker who was a West Point grad. He gave me a "You finally figured that out" look. He mentioned that the Army's Officer Efficiency Ratings were the same deal. West Pointers take care of their fellows and know that the few negative comments are superceded by a few "magic words" like aggressive, decisive, military bearing, etc. Computers actually "read" the OERs and score them based on "magic words" minus "negative words".

I hope that My Permanent Record wherever it currently abides has enough "magic words" to overcome that milk-spilling thing. It really wasn't my fault. Jimmy Rabiega knocked it out of my hand, I tell you.