View With Alarm

Most any occurrence can be "viewed with alarm" to advance a particular point of view.

A local family awakened Monday morning to find a bear and three cubs rooting about the birdfeeders in the front yard of their suburban home. Animal Control, police, and the news media gathered. After two and a half hours, the bears were humanely removed.

The next day's newspaper showed the gun lobby "viewing with alarm" - "This is why we need a bear hunting season in New Jersey! Soon bruins will be marching down our suburban streets hungry not for sunflower seeds, but for small children!" Environmentalists also viewed with alarm - "Our ursine friends have nowhere else to go now that their habitat is paved over with housing developments and strip malls! Until Petco stocks bear kibble and Mama Bear makes a decent wage so she can afford it, this will continue. We must restore wilderness areas."

I also have a cause to advance - the pathetic state of the modern household pet. According to the newspaper article, "The family dog, Sophie (great name that), couldn't be bothered. After a couple of obligatory barks when she spotted the bears outside the window, Sophie went to a back room to lie down."

I therefore view with alarm. This is a prime example of what is wrong with 21st century text-messaging, on-line game playing, slacker pets! Back in the 50s, we had Lassie rescuing Timmy and/or Gramps from the abandoned well each and every week. We had Rin Tin Tin holding off the Apache horde until Lt Rip Masters and the cavalry could save those homesteaders. More to the point, we had Old Yeller giving his life to protect Tommy Kirk from that cougar (back when cougars were man-eating cats as opposed to man-eating middle-aged divorcees).

Now those were dogs that earned their Alpo! Lassie, Rinty, or Old Yeller wouldn't give a couple of obligatory barks and then take a nap when faced with a bear in their front yard. They might get mauled, but they would protect that precious bird seed. As Doctor Phil would warn, "Pet owners, you are the enablers. Take away those cell phones from your pets. Limit their computer time to Obedience School assignments. Make sure the entire family eats meals together. Your pet will thank you for it, and eventually so will the bears as Fido sets boundaries for them."