Oh, Canada!

With Memorial Day right around the corner and 90 degree temperatures forecast for later this week, the sports fan's thoughts naturally turn toward ice hockey. Except for the Olympics, we pretty much ignored the sport all winter long, but what better way to spend a steamy May evening than in a packed arena over a melting expanse of ice watching a bunch of Canadians batter each other senseless.

There are certain proud, uniquely Canadian traditions involved in the NHL playoffs:

Playoff beards - To promote team unity, the players refuse to shave until their team is eliminated. In years past, coaches attempted to enforce a "no sex during the playoffs" rule. Cavorting with females is worse for a player's stamina than smoking. It was difficult to monitor, so they substituted the playoff beard tradition. Canadian women might consort with a bruised and battered, toothless hockey player. That's why we have light switches and room-darkening shades. But canoodling with a scratchy beard may explain why Canada's birth rate declines 40 weeks after the hockey playoffs.

Playoff beards also provide comic relief. Wispy facial follicles combine with the typical Canadian mullet to give that 80s porn star look to the younger players. "Goal by Dirk Diggler!"

Instant Dentistry - Last Sunday, a Chicago Black Hawk stopped a slap shot with his face, depositing eight teeth and a considerable amount of blood on the ice. Remarkably, he returned to the game twenty minutes later. Those of us south of the border demand anaesthesia or Novocaine for tooth removal and take the rest of the day off from work. This may explain why we lost the Olympic Hockey Final.

Post-Game Handshake - After the final game of the series, the teams line up and shake hands on the ice. Alas, this sort of sportsmanship ceases in US athletics when we get past the level where it is immediately followed by team snacks provided by someone's Mom. Last night, Philly's Chris Pronger hacked at a Montreal players face with his stick. Since he drew blood, a penalty was called. Had he just knocked a few teeth loose, it would have been "Play on". In the post-game line up, Pronger and the Montreal player not only shook hands but did the awkward "man hug". "A few inches higher on that stick slash and it would be your eyeball rolling on the ice, but we're cool, eh? How about a Labatt's sometime?"

And you wonder why we couldn't successfully invade these guys in 1812? Canadians are tough!