Only in America

Dorney Park opened last weekend. Management must have thought long and hard how to draw crowds on a spring weekend with questionable weather and the park's newest attraction "The Demon Drop" not ready.

It could have sponsored a "Titanic"- themed contest in which Leonardo DiCaprio wanna-bes immerse themselves in the chilly waters of Wild Water Kingdom's splashdown area and recite lines from the movie to their lady loves floating on a piece of flotsam (or possibly jetsam) nearby. Last one standing (technically treading water) before hypothermia closes their lips forever wins!

By the way, what is the difference between flotsam and jetsam, other than jetsam sounds so much cooler? This is why we have dictionaries. "Flotsam" is defined as "the floating wreckage of a ship" while "jetsam" is "part of a ship cast overboard in time of stress to lighten the load". One wonders whether if the shall-we-say Rubensesque Kate Winslet had been cast overboard as jetsam after the ship struck the iceberg, the Titanic might have retained sufficient buoyancy to limp into port.

Dorney Park management decided instead on a Major League Competitive Eating Event in the class of the Nathan's 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest. Winner Joey Chestnut devoured 19 cheesesteaks in 10 minutes. The runners-up consumed 16, 14.5, and 12.5 respectively. With the average cheese steak containing 700 calories plus 25% and 80% of the RDAs for cholesterol and sodium respectively, Mr Chestnut consumed 13,200 calories and enough cholesterol and sodium to last him nearly five and fifteen days respectively ALL IN TEN MINUTES.

Only in America! There are, no doubt, entire villages in Africa that don't consume 13,200 calories in a day

Still, competitive eating will never break into America's sports consciousness (and the big bucks of network TV contracts) without a gimmick. After all, professional wrestling wasn't big until Steel Cage Death Matches put it onto pay-per-view. Many competitive eating events already take place at amusement parks. Why not complete the competition with repeated plunges on a Demon Drop? Cheesesteaks consumed plus Demon Drop Plunges until Regurgitation equals Final Score. This not only provides a suspense-filled conclusion but will save the innards of the competitors.