Modern Crime 101

Calm down, class.

I'm Professor Clyde. My lovely assistant over there is Professor Bonnie. Welcome to Modern Crime 101 - Bank Robbery in the 21st Century.

Today's reading assignment is the newspaper account of yesterday's unsuccessful heist at the KNBT branch in Forks Twp. What lessons can we learn here? Anyone? You there, Mister Dillinger, is it?

The alleged perpetrator had no disguise? Actually, Dillinger, walking into a bank near closing time wearing a mask even around Halloween is a problem. Those tellers will hit the police call button in a heartbeat. Many trick-or-treaters have learned that through bitter experience.

Anyone else? Butch Cassidy, your hand is up. The bank was only a quarter mile away from Police Headquarters and practically across the street from a Dunkin' Donuts, you say? Normally a valid point, but that street is Sullivan Trail and traffic there at 6 PM is a killer. Our alleged perpetrator could be half way to Stockertown before the cops finish their glazed crullers and iced coffee if he hits the lights right. You should always study traffic patterns before a heist, but that wasn't the problem here.

The newspaper article states that bank employees slipped a tracking device into the money bag while filling it. The police simply followed the signal and apprehended the guy within minutes. I cannot emphasize this enough. ALWAYS BRING YOUR OWN BAG TO A HEIST. Not only do you avoid those nasty tracking devices and dye packets in the bank's take-out money bags, but you are helping to save the earth! Bring your own recyclable money bag to your next caper. You know how some supermarkets offer a discount if you bring your own canvas bag? Frequently-robbed banks and mini-marts may offer bonus swag to environmentally-conscious thieves. Our landfills are overflowing with discarded tracking devices and dye-soaked bank bags. This is the 21st century, people! Be kind to your Mother (Earth).

Any questions before we hand out the final exams? You there, Al Gore?

Yes, Al, recycling bank bags probably does lessen global warming.