A Tough Choice

The TV commercial showed a list of twenty-five countries. "Did you know that the US ranks 23rd in math proficiency for high school students?"

Actually, I'm happy that the kids in China who design and manufacture the iPhone are smarter than the American kids who buy them. That goes a long way in explaining why they work so well. I'm even happier that the kid in India who answers the Customer Service Hotline is smarter than his American peer who seems to do nothing but skateboard all day long. Otherwise, I'd never find out how to get my VCR to stop flashing "12:00".

It is somewhat humbling to see the US ranking behind Liechtenstein in anything other than yodeling, though. How can we show our face in the UN when kids from Kazakhstan not only herd goats but calculate square roots better than we do? How can the nation that gave the world the telephone, the telegraph, and "Sex and the City 2" rank behind Burkina Fasso in high school math?

The answer is simple. Sammy Tesluk and the McGuire boys showed us the way. When I entered eighth grade back in 1960, Sammy and the McGuires were there for a second and in some cases third and possibly fourth go-around. No one was sure how old they were, but Sammy, Muggsy, and Pat had muscles and hair on portions of their body that we 12 and 13 year olds could only dream about. The Gym teacher was intimidated that they had thicker sideburns than he did and passed them, but the Math Department held its ground and kept them from Algebra 1. South Scranton Junior High maintained relatively high math scores.

Sammy, Muggsy, and Pat might still be in eighth grade except the siren song of full-time employment at the "3 Minute Car Wash" and its princely wage of $1.25 per hour drew them away from the Halls of Learning as soon as legally feasible. Soon thereafter, Draft Board 81 called them to military service.

Frankly, Trigonometry seemed a lot less necessary when Sammy sent us a photo of him in his uniform quaffing beer with a fraulein on each arm.

America has changed since 1960. Car washes are self-serve or completely automated. The all-volunteer military requires a high school diploma. Schools offer "social promotion" and don't flunk kids anymore. While today's American version of Sammy, Muggsy, and Pat take high school level math and bring down our national math rating, their Leichtensteiner, Kazakstani, or Burkinian counterparts remain in eighth grade or are working in the car wash or carrying a rifle.

The mysteries of the Pythagorean Theorem versus the wonders of lager and exotic, foreign babes - it's a tough choice.