As a teen-ager, I was socially inept. Contact with the opposite gender left me tongue-tied and awash in a pool of perspiration. How could I best present myself to that Sandra Dee look-alike in Spanish class? I never figured it out.
Almost fifty years later, the solution to my social problems appeared, strangely enough, in a Burger King commercial. BK is promoting the latest "Twilight" movie installment with a "Team Edward" vs. "Team Jacob" contest. Fans of the dreamy vampire Edward or the rugged werewolf Jacob collect game pieces at BK in hope of winning valuable prizes. In the commercial, teen girls approach BK customers extolling the virtues of their side in the Vampire vs. Werewolf conflict. The Edward fans exclaim, "He's waited 100 years for love!" The Jacob supporters note, "You can pet him."
There you have it. The key to a teen girl's heart is to claim a century of unrequited love. If you get the "Wait a minute, we're both14 years old, how can you have pined for me since 1910?", you can place your head (watch out for excessive hair gel) near your beloved's hand, stare expectantly into her eyes, and pant (tongue lolling only after the first date).
In the commercial, the girls approach a grandfatherly-looking gent pleading their case for those valuable game pieces which he somehow possesses. "Would you rather your granddaughter date a vampire or a werewolf?" they ask. "Uh, neither," he replies.
We elderly guys didn't get it back in the 60s and we still don't get it today. It's a wonder that we humans continue to propagate.
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