Thunderfoot

Now that the US team has once again bowed out of the World Cup, pundits are writing their quadrennial "What's wrong with American soccer?" columns. After all, every American kid is enrolled in Youth Soccer. Our sporting goods stores are awash in shin guards and knee socks. American parents come through with nutritious post-game snacks for the team. And then we lose to Ghana which is about the size and population of Oregon. How can this be?

The answer is obvious. We don't have good nicknames for our players. Brazil dominates the Soccer World with Kaka, Nilmar, Juan, and Robinho. They go by just one name that appears to be made up. Even Brazil's coaches go by one name - Dunga and Jorginho. Now, Kaka and Dunga are pseudonyms for fecal matter in American English. Imagine the mockery from the opposition toward American youth soccer superstars with those unfortunate nicknames. "Bring on the Charmin, here comes Kaka!" "Look out, there's a pile of Dunga at midfield!" These young athletes would abandon soccer for good old American basketball in a heartbeat.

World Cup 2014 will be here before we know it. Now is the time to develop Americanized nicknames for our youth soccer prodigies. Years ago, the Detroit Lions had a punter named Herman "Thunderfoot" Weaver. "Thunderfoot" would be an excellent soccer nickname. The Cleveland Browns had a kicker named Lou "The Toe" Groza. "The Toe" works better for soccer than American football. My beloved Lafayette Leopards had a running back nicknamed "The Human Thigh". Even the Brazilians would quake when faced by an American team headed by "Thunderfoot", "The Toe", and "The Human Thigh". The World Cup would be ours.