The Costanza Defense

Move over, Dear Abby, Ann Landers, and Doctor Phil. The preeminent source for advice in combating the vicissitudes of modern life is "Seinfeld". Truly, there is no life situation that has not been covered in a "Seinfeld" episode.

Mark Hurd, former CEO of Hewlett-Packard, was in deep doo-doo last week. A 25 year old "actress" who moonlighted as an "event organizer" for H-P and "greeted" executives at these "events" named Mark and the corporation in a sexual harassment lawsuit. Her lawyers discovered falsified expense reports for Mark's dinners and other "meetings" with the actress. Mark, Mark, Mark...if you're going to carry on an affair with this bimbo, do it on your own dime. Don't write it off to the corporation as a business expense!

Imagine the scene where Mark is hauled in front of the Board of Directors. As he is accused of these flagrant transgressions, Marks flashes back to the memorable "Seinfeld" episode where George faces his boss after being caught having sex in the office with a cleaning lady. "Was this wrong? If I had known that this sort of thing was frowned upon, I would never have done it. Other places I worked, this sort of thing happened all the time."

In the "Seinfeld" episode, George was fired on the spot. In real life, Mark Hurd got $12.2 million in severance pay, stock options that could bring the total package to $40 million, and H-P's lawyers to extract a public statement from the "actress" that their relationship was "non-sexual" so that Old Mark gets to keep every penny of that $40 million. Mark must have been a lot more persuasive than George with the Costanza Defense.

"Seinfeld" also had an episode on the Bizarro World where up is down and you say hello when you leave, etc. Apparently, CEOs live in Bizarro World. Non-CEOs who carry on a two-year affair and charge it to the company are axed immediately.