The headline read, "Chilean Miners Told to Stay Thin". This advice ranks right up there on the Homer Simpson "D'oh" Scale of Obviousness with "The snake's tail rattling does not mean that he's happy to see you", "Mama Grizzly will mind if you pet her cubs", and "The Iraqi people will welcome us a liberators". Well, maybe not the last one.
The headlines refers to thirty-three Chilean miners who have been trapped one-half mile underground since 5 Aug. Their only connection to the outside world is three 6-inch diameter holes delivering supplies and fresh air to their emergency shelter. Authorities estimate that it could take up to four months for a rescue shaft to be drilled to them. The problem is that miners with greater than a 35-inch waist could get stuck in the rescue shaft.
Assuming that the emergency shelter does not come equipped with workout equipment and that an elliptical trainer won't fit down a 6-inch hole, the chubbier miners have 120 days to get in tip-top shape without aerobic exercise. Actually, the resulting body odor might pose a whole different problem.
This leaves diet as the means to ensure that all the miners can squeeze through the rescue shaft. "We're sending down your lunch, guys. Skinny Juan gets the Whopper with Cheese. (It barely fits down the supply hole!) Chubby Carlos, you get the undressed salad. Bon appetit!. By the way, dinner tonight is chicken cordon bleu for Juan and carrot sticks for Carlos."
"What's that, Carlos? You say you've hit your 35" waist goal (not that we could check anyway) and you'd like fries with your Whopper?"
"Now, Juan, I'm sure El Chubbo wouldn't lie about his waistline just to get real food for the next 120 days. If he's lying and plugs the first rescue shaft, it will only take 120 days more to drill a second one. If you can handle 120 days without fresh air, sunshine, or cerveza at the strip bar, I'm sure you can handle 240. Stay thin!"
Sadly, the rescue coordinator was unaware of another entry on the Scale of Obviousness - "Never trust a skinny chef or a chubby miner."
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