Tips for Job Seekers

The Business Section of the newspaper has its share of bad news ("Job Outlook Dims; Unemployment Claims Rise"), but it also includes helpful tips for job seekers.

In these tough economic times, employers are utilizing video conferencing for job interviews. Why have a prospective employee actually visit the workplace? You might have to buy him lunch. It's not like he would like to see where he will be working. He probably wouldn't want to meet his boss and co-workers anyway.

The Brave New World of video-conferenced job interviews is fraught with peril for the employment seeker. Fortunately, today's Business Section gives tips sure to land you that dream job:

1. "Wear office-appropriate clothing. Avoid busy patterns and tee shirts with art work or logos." Your favorite tee shirt with the giant marijuana plant logo might give the wrong impression. Go with the white-on-white shirt and a striped tie preferably in the corporate colors. You don't want to go directly from the HR Hiring Desk to the Drug Testing Room.

2. "Comb your hair, check your make-up, adjust your clothes, and inspect for food on your teeth before your video conference." Employers might forgive that rumpled, fresh-out-of-bed look (Einstein always looked as if he had just arisen from a months-long hibernation and who wouldn't hire Old Al?), but a sprig of parsley dangling from an incisor indicates a careless, slovenly worker.

3. "Recruiters reject Customer Service applicants who can't get through a sentence without saying "Um", "You know", or "Like" over and over." A Hindu accent and rapid-fire diction is OK though. You'll fit right in.

4. "Always wear clean underwear. You never know when you might be in an accident and be admitted to a hospital."

Actually, I made that last one up. Don't these tips for job seekers sound remarkably like what your mother told you every day before you went to school? The key to a successful video-conferenced job interview is apparently the same as that to a successful day at Middle School.

Oh, by the way, "Call your mother! She worries about you."