Dream Job

The Marist Institute for Public Opinion reported that given their pick of jobs, Americans would choose:

32% - Actor or Actress
29% - Professional Athlete
13% - President of the US
13% - Rock Star
13% - Unsure

Think it through, America! You may be able to enunciate more clearly than Sylvester Stallone (My dog speaks more clearly than Sly.). You may have fewer arrest warrants and stints in rehab than Lindsay Lohan (Surprisingly, most Americans do.). But 99% of acting careers reach their peak at a dinner theater in New Jersey. For every Sandra Bullock in a designer gown on the red carpet at the Oscars, there are 99 actresses in dirndls serving streudel dessert to the St John's Church Swinging Seniors Club before racing off to perform the big "Climb Every Mountain" finale. Your cubicle job doesn't look so bad now, does it?

Professional athlete seems like a real "dream job". You get paid millions. You get to travel first class. You get half the year off. There is a dark side, however. NY Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie has been in the NFL for five years and has eight children under the age of five (coincidence?) by six women. Pro Locker Room Status doesn't depend on how good an athlete you are (Everyone's good) or how much money you make (Everyone makes a ton of cash), but on your fertility. Your accountant may be right on top of all those Child Support Payments, but it is well-nigh impossible to remember eight kids' birthdays, and how many Sponge Bob - themed parties can you handle in a year anyway?

The old maxim is that "anyone can grow up to be President of the US". The question is, "Who would want the job?" Granted, you get a house, a swell private jet, Marines to salute you, and a lifetime supply of American flag lapel pins, but the job pays only $400K per year. Is that worth the media mockery when you stumble off a plane (Gerald Ford) or barf on the Prime Minister of Japan (G. Bush the Elder)? I didn't think so.

Rock Star seems like a decent gig, but only if you are young. Paul McCartney held up well over the years, but any of the Rolling Stones do not need make-up to scare Trick or Treaters. Until Rock Star Medical Insurance covers a liver transplant after those years of fame and indulgence, you are better off, long term, retrieving carts at Wal-Mart.

What should be your Dream Job then? How about CEO of a major oil company like BP? Tony Heyward's response to an unprecedented environmental disaster was "I want my life back." While thousands of gallons of crude gushed into the Gulf, Tony jetted back to the UK to participate in a yacht race. Way to show empathy, Tony! As his reward, Tony got a multi-million dollar Golden Parachute and a job heading an oil company in Russia.

Now, there's a Dream Job. Totally screw up and be obnoxious about it, but still collect millions and get another job. Tony Heyward, you're my idol.