Fiery Footlongs

The commercial on Sports Radio touted Subway Fiery Footlong Subs as capable of "burning the wimp right out of you."

When I heard it, I was walking the dog with a bagful of poop in my hand and desperately in need of significant wimp retraction, fiery and painful though it may be. Would the macho act of consuming a Buffalo Chicken sandwich restore my masculinity? Would it cause the dog to fear my wrath to the extent that he would pick up his own poop? The commercial made it seem worth a try.

Returning home, the Phillies game featured a Subway commercial showing a gang of motorcyclists tooling through a desert "so hot that rattlesnakes combust" on their way to, you guessed it, a Subway where the fiery footlongs were even hotter than the desert. The message was clear. Consume a fiery footlong and you will be tougher than a Hell's Angel.

Business news reports last week noted that fast food sales are predominantly to young men ages 18 to 34. Some advertising genius decided that the best way to get this demographic's attention was to appeal to their masculinity. Let McDonald's brag on their salads, wraps, and frothy drinks, real men go to Subway, have the wimp burned right out of them, and roar into the desert sunset astride a Harley. Just thinking about it has hair sprouting from my nostrils and ears.

After consuming a fiery footlong, of course, your breath may be capable of peeling the paint off your imaginary Harley and your social life may suffer, but that's OK. If you're listening to Sports Radio or watching a mid-week Phillies game on TV, you probably don't have much of a social life anyway. On to Subway!