Saving Bikini Season

A scene from TV's "House, M.D.":

CUDDY: "House, here's an unusual one and right up your alley. An 18 year old girl came in to the ER today with an unsightly brown mark on her upper thigh. It's almost bikini season and she is panicking."

HOUSE: "I will assemble my staff, listen to their diagnoses, mock them, start treatment, almost kill the patient, and just before the show is over, notice something totally irrelevant relating to the personal lives of the patient, me, or my staff, and come up with a miracle cure. Hey, it's worked for six seasons, innumerable reruns, and won me an Emmy. Let's go!"

WILSON: "That unsightly brown mark could be skin cancer. I'd recommend immediate radiation and chemo."

HOUSE: "Cancer, cancer, cancer. It's always cancer with you, Wilson. If your nose hairs need trimming, it must be The Big C! Next."

CHASE: "It could be the reverse of that thing that Michael Jackson had with white skin turning black instead of the other way around. If our patient can't sing or Moonwalk and wears two sequined gloves, she might have Reverse Michael Jackson Syndrome."

HOUSE: "Great idea, Chase. Let's pump her full of painkillers and send her off on tour. That worked so well for MJ. Next."

CAMERON: "I think that it's a rare capillary disease where the tiny blood vessels burst. This gives us a chance to show the viewers those cool "inside the body" CGI effects."

HOUSE: "That rare capillary disease is known as bruising, Cameron. The patient is not going "ouch" when we touch the area, so it's' not a bruise. Plus, bruises heal slowly and we've only got an hour of TV time."

HOUSE glances at the computer on his desk and smiles enigmatically.

HOUSE: "Did anyone think to ask the young lady whether she owns a laptop? A Pennsylvania dermatologist diagnosed a similar case as "Erythma ab igne", a rash from localized heat exposure usually found in nursing home patients who slept with a hot water bottle (or with a hot nurse as Groucho would say). The laptop's battery emits enough heat to cause a permanent rash. Give her an old-fashioned "tower" computer and some pancake make-up. Bikini season will be saved!"

THE NEXT DAY

CUDDY: "Your diagnosis was correct, House, but the patient tipped over the "tower" computer on her lap and it shattered her pelvis leading to hemorrhage."

HOUSE: "Great, that's the near-fatal scare that we do every episode. Bring in my staff again and stoke up the CGI effects. We've got the rest of the hour to fill."

By the way, the laptop rash thing is actually true. It was published in "Contemporary Pediatrics" and featured in newsppaer articles.