In It To Win It

Any ethnic festival worth its salt includes a contest or two. Bethlehem's Celtic Classic features camber tossing for the strong and haggis eating for the courageous. Musik (with a k) fest may have expanded beyond its original German roots. Festplatz and Leiderplatz remain, but Latin music is found at Plaza Tropical instead of Salsa Platz. It still features the "Running With the Police Horses" down Main Street at closing time for those daredevils who can't make it to Pamplona though.

Being neither strong, courageous nor a daredevil, I seek an ethnic festival contest that meets my talents and especially one with a desirable prize. Scandinavian Fest in South Jersey may be the one. Beyond the conventional music, dancing, crafts, and food, it is the home of the Wife-Carrying Competition. The contest, popular in Finland, involves a man carrying his wife, or, lacking one, an ad-hoc wife at least, through an obstacle course. The first man through the course wins his wife's weight in beer!

Ponder that for a moment. A 120 pound wife converted to 160 cans of beer. That's more than six cases of suds. Sign me up!

But I've got to be "in it to win it." There's no second prize. Before heading off to South Jersey, I need to take advantage of any contest loopholes to develop a winning strategy. Those monogamous Scandinavians will probably be hauling their actual wives through the obstacle course. I'[ve seen the size of some of those Wagnerian opera heroines. The shield, armor, and horned helmet add a lot of weight which means more beer at the end, but really slows you down through the course. I've got to be lean and mean.

Who is the most famous skinny Scandanavian "wife" on the planet? Why, the former Mrs Tiger Woods, of course. I could haul her through the obstacle course in no time at all, especially if she brings that famous nine-iron along to "inspire" me if I begin to fade in the stretch.

Granted, I won't win as much beer, but in the words of Coach Lombardi, "Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing." Plus, with her $100 million divorce settlement, she probably won't insist on her share of the spoils of victory.