Parsley, Sage, Pomegranate & Raspberry

The emasculation of American males continues at an accelerating pace. Julia Roberts' "Eat, Pray. Love" has higher box office receipts than Sylvester Stallone's "The Expendables". The Miami Dolphins stop practice to search the field for a player's $50K diamond earring. Pro wrestling has mixed (Male / Female) tag team matches. What in the name of John Wayne is going on?

At least, we American males still have beer. Beer survived the Wine Cooler Craze of the 70s and Zima Mania in the 90s. The only permanent change in American Beer Culture since the Pilgrims is light beer but that is OK because manly former athletes argue whether it has "more taste" or is "less filling". We know that when we need a testosterone boost, it's time to hoist a few cold ones. A glass of Chardonnay or a Cosmopolitan makes you want to tune in "Sex and the City" re-runs. A can of Yuengling makes you want to tune in NASCAR.

But NASCAR and NFL ratings have decreased the past few years. Yesterday, I discovered the reason. Placed for recycling outside a neighbor's house was an empty case of Michelob Ultra Pomegranate and Raspberry. Now, Michelob used to be Budweiser on steroids, a smooth beer that packed a wallop. Then came Michelob Ultra which according to its commercials is the thing to drink after jogging around the city accompanied by a supermodel with both of you clad in spandex. Healthy is good, especially when it gets you close to a spandex-clad supermodel.

Michelob Ultra Pomegranate and Raspberry is too much, though. Fruit-flavored beer will never see you through a December game on the "frozen tundra" of Green Bay, Wisconsin. Half the guys in the stands at Daytona have no idea what a pomegranate is let alone how to spell it.

It's real beer that gives us drunken brawls in the bleachers. With fruit-flavored stuff, we would probably join hands and sing "Kum-Bye-Yah". It's real beer that frees us to urinate in public and get arrested. With Pomegranate and Raspberry, we would probably gather the rest of the guys and leave our dates to go "powder our noses". Our masculinity is threatened.