Conveyor Belt of Love

Further proving that no one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public, ABC will televise "The Conveyor Belt of Love" tonight. The TV Listings blurb states, "Five women each choose a date from among thirty men presented to them on a conveyor belt."

One imagines the five lucky women clad in white smocks and sanitary hairnets standing alongside the belt efficiently wrapping packages of frozen hamburger when Steve Stunning (presumably unfrozen) rolls by to whisk them off for an evening of dining and dancing. In a cruel, but dramatic twist, one of the women mistakenly takes a Value Pack of ground chuck off the conveyor instead of Bachelor Chuck and spends a lonesome evening browning and sauteing.

Trauma potentially awaits the bachelors as well. After all, there are thirty of them and only five women. To build drama, the young ladies might slip paper strips into the pockets of each suitor as he passes by on the conveyor, much like inspectors in a garment factory. Tension builds as the bachelors reach into their pockets and pull out slips that read, "Irregular. Ship to factory outlet" or "Inspected and approved by #3. Your limo awaits!"

The actual procedure is potentially even more traumatic for the guys. According to The Hollywood Reporter, "If a woman is interested in someone, that man will step aside and wait as the rest of the men go by. But if another man comes by on the belt that seems better than that woman's first choice, she can swap out the man waiting off of the belt as many times as she wants until the last man has passed by." Talk about an ego deflator!

But fate can deliver a cruel twist. "If two or more of the women are interested in the same man, the tables turn and the man on the conveyor belt gets to choose which one he would like to wait for."

"So I wasn't good enough for you on the first trip down the conveyor? I choose Bachelorette #2!"

If this is what 21st century courtship has become, give me Jane Austen. "Pride and Prejudice" and "Sense and Sensibility" have devolved into "Conveyor and Crassness".