Football's Popularity Explained

Like most red-blooded Americans, I was glued to the TV last Sunday for "NFL Championship Weekend". After all, for two of the competing teams, "There is no tomorrow." Apparently, the sun did not rise Monday morning in Minnesota or in New York. Old Sol does not spread its beams over losers!

How can one explain the popularity of pro football with the American public? Football has been described as "committee meetings interspersed with violence." What could be more American than that? How we long for the opportunity to shout "Break!" after our Weekly Project Status Meeting, trot over to Accounts Receivable, get down in our three point stance, and commit mayhem on those miscreants.

More to the point, I contend that football's popularity is due to its uniforms - the skin-tight pants that enthrall female (and some male) viewers, the massively-padded shoulders that slenderize the waist and hips, and those cool logo-emblazoned helmets. The difference between football uniforms and those of the other two major sports is like that between a stylish Givenchy gown and the Olsen Twins' shabby chic.

Consider pants. Baseball has gone baggy and gathered at the ankles. The Yankees' CC Sabathia could house a Haitian family inside his pants. Basketball has essentially adopted culottes or "skorts" with knee-length hemlines. Why not add pleats for that Catholic school modest cheerleader look?

Then there are jerseys. Baseball goes with the standard buttoned front which is OK until the team manager bounces out of the dugout and his ample gut spreads wide the gap between buttons exposing his undershirt. Not an attractive sight. Basketball retains the traditional strap-shouldered "wife-beater" top, the better to expose one's tattoos. "Wife-beaters" haven't been en vogue since Brando in "Streetcar Named Desire".

Lastly, baseball helmets seem OK, but who can look at one without imagining it miniaturized and filled with ice cream? That's a fond childhood memory for all of us, but it raises digestive as opposed to competitive juices. Place those macho Eagles wings or those fierce Vikings horns on your hard hat and you're ready to take on the world!