We all need role models - the kindly family doctor who inspired us to a career in medicine, the high school drama teacher who unearthed our appreciation of theater, the grade school bully who eliminated our sense of human kindness.
Even prospective vampires need a role model. With "Twilight", "True Blood", Anne Rice's Lestat, and the classic Dracula out there which sort of vampiredom do we hope to achieve? Are we pretty boys yearning after a frankly unattractive human girl like Twilight's Edward Cullen? Are we sex-crazed, yet noble vamps like the "True Blood" characters? Are we persecuted, vulnerable evil doers like Lestat? Can we turn into bats or wolves like Drac? How cool would that be?
Last week, Lyle Monroe Bensley, 19, of Galveston, TX was found growling and hissing in a parking lot dressed only in his undershorts. Lyle claimed that he was a 500 year old vampire who needed to "feed" after breaking into a neighbor's house and attempting to suck her blood. Clearly, Lyle needs better vampire role models:
1. Dress for Success, Lyle! When Count Dracula showed up at a prospective victim's door in full evening wear plus cape, he got invited to enter. When that same victim looks out through the peephole and sees a guy dressed only in his undershorts, she double bolts the door. "No Type O negative for you!"
2. Growling and hissing are not the way to a victim's heart. "Twilight" readers expect frequent declarations of true love especially as spoken by the guy who played Cedric Diggory in that Harry Potter movie.
3. Don't hang out in a parking lot and expect to score. The "True Blood" vampires, shape-shifters, and werewolves all own bar / nightclubs. Let your victims come to you. "Tonight only at Fangtasia! Type AB-positives pay no cover charge!"
At least Lyle got one thing right. All of your great evil doers go with three names. There's John Wilkes Booth. Lee Harvey Oswald, Mark David Chapman (John Lennon's assassin) and, of course Attila The Hun.
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