A Modest Proposal

A stated goal of every political bill is to create "good paying jobs for Americans". Whether the bill raises the debt limit or designates August 1st as National Cheese Puff Appreciation day, its sponsors claim that it will create jobs while its opponents counter that it will return Americans workers to involuntary servitude or possibly serfdom.

Alas, unemployment figures over the past couple of years show that all those job-creating Economic Stimulus and Compact Fluorescent Light Bulb bills have not done the trick. It is time to "think outside the box". Here is an idea sure to "get America back to work" that can be supported by Tea Partiers and Tax and Spend Liberals alike - Eliminate Voice Messaging on phones.

Those of us who worked in Corporate America back in the 70s and 80s were surrounded by secretaries and telephone operators (good-paying, non-exportable jobs! Just what we need today!) whose function included answering our phones and filling out those little pink "While You Were Out" sheets. Callers got to talk to a real, live human being instead of our "Your call is important to me. Please leave a message." recording. If it was a genuine crisis, callers could connect to the Paging Operator and your name would reverberate over the entire building.

Being paged was a double-edged sword. It brought name recognition (Wow, that Barack Obama must really be important, he gets paged all the time) or notoriety (Doesn't that John Boehner ever answer his damn phone?). It also brought humor. On Christmas Eve one year, a prankster paged "Hugo Home" as we all eagerly awaited the traditional early dismissal announcement.

Eliminating Voice Messaging in Corporate America is really a win - win. It creates thousands of jobs that are limited to English-speaking real Americans which should appeal to the anti-immigration crowd. It allows frustrated callers to vent to a human being which should reduce hypertension and the nation's staggering Health Care costs. It identifies the best and brightest for future corporate advancement and therefore economic growth. Bernie Madoff was the type who would have paged himself so often that his fellow workers would have brought pitchforks, clubs, and flaming torches to work and used them if they heard him paged one more time. Bill Gates would have paged himself just often enough so everyone knew how important he was.