In the business world, the Golden Rule is, "He who has the gold rules." The best parking spot, nicest rest room and biggest expense account go to the corporate CEO.
Even among corporations, those with the gold rule. Fiat swallowed up Chrysler who swallowed up American Motors who swallowed up Jeep all because they had more cash in the bank at the time.
On the "Today Show", a financial reporter noted that Apple has more cash in the bank this morning than the US Treasury. If the Golden Rule holds, Apple could take over the Federal government. Steve Jobs would be our new President and a new Era of Corporate Accountability would reign. Things would change:
1. Black turtlenecks and jeans would replace business suits with American flag lapel pins as the uniform for our national leaders.
2. The US Postal Service would be scrapped in favor of gmail for everyone.
3. Secret Service agents could finally reveal that those earphones they have been wearing for years are actually hooked up to their iPods.
4. Falling behind on your payments to the IRS? There would be an "app" for that on your iPhone. It would transmit excruciating noise into your ear until you paid up.
5. Questioning your Social Security payment? The iTunes Store would offer 99 cent downloads of your records.
6. Having trouble wading through the 2000+ pages of the new Health Care Law? It would be downloaded onto every iPad for quick and easy reference. Enter "Death Panels for Granny" under Frequently Asked Questions and you will know how soon that inheritance will be on its way.
The Golden Rule, Business World Version, is cruel, but necessary. When a corporation starts going broke, it dies or gets new management. You don't see Consolidated Buggy Whips or Universal Rotary Dial Phones around any more, but Lee Iacocca saved Chrysler back in the 70s.
Now the Federal government is going broke. Maybe Steve Jobs can save it. Maybe we'll all get a free iPad.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Blockbuster
The blockbusters just keep on coming to our local cineplex. "Harry Potter 7" preceded "Captain America" (Will Marvel comics ever run out of superheroes?). This week, we eagerly anticipate "Cowboys & Aliens"
Will "C&A" be a big hit? Would the New York Yankees defeat your six year old daughter's softball team? Hollywood stacked the deck for this one. It stars the current James Bond (Daniel Craig) and the former Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford). All it needs is a furry Wookie sidekick. The aliens resemble giant dragonflies. An E.T. - type alien just isn't scary enough for modern audiences and with summer in full swing, most people are freaked-out by insects in their everyday lives.
The 1800s Arizona setting is actually a touch of genius. Granted, westerns haven't exactly filled the cineplexes in years, but they guarantee plenty of gunplay which always is a big hit with the Second Amendment crowd. "Fighting off aliens - That's why I have the right to assault weapons and armor-piercing ammo."
I'm camping out in front of the box office for the Midnight Premiere.
Will "C&A" be a big hit? Would the New York Yankees defeat your six year old daughter's softball team? Hollywood stacked the deck for this one. It stars the current James Bond (Daniel Craig) and the former Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford). All it needs is a furry Wookie sidekick. The aliens resemble giant dragonflies. An E.T. - type alien just isn't scary enough for modern audiences and with summer in full swing, most people are freaked-out by insects in their everyday lives.
The 1800s Arizona setting is actually a touch of genius. Granted, westerns haven't exactly filled the cineplexes in years, but they guarantee plenty of gunplay which always is a big hit with the Second Amendment crowd. "Fighting off aliens - That's why I have the right to assault weapons and armor-piercing ammo."
I'm camping out in front of the box office for the Midnight Premiere.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Environmental Guilt
A current TV commercial extols the benefits of a new, roll-less toilet paper. "Americans consume 18 billion rolls of toilet paper each year. The scrap rolls could fill the Empire State Building twice! New roll-less Charmin is not only soft, but environmentally-friendly."
We Americans are subject to environmental guilt at every turn. We use half of the world's energy, discard more food than all of Africa eats and pollute the airwaves with "America's Got Talent". That's enough to feel guilty about. Let's look into this toilet paper roll crisis.
18 billion rolls divided by 300 million Americans comes to 60 rolls per American per year. No wonder folks stagger out of Sam's Club under the weight of those "Value Packs" of toilet paper that barely fit in our car trunks.
At 250 squares per roll, that is about 40 squares consumed by each American every day. If we can put a man on the moon and resolve the national debt situation amicably (or maybe not), we can reduce our toilet paper consumption:
1. Raise toilet paper holders out of the reach of toddlers and pets. It is "cute" the first time little Tiffany, Fluffy or Fido spin the roll and 250 squares flop wasted to the bathroom floor. It is an environmental disaster after that. Reaching for elevated rolls would also promote adult flexibility with a good stretch. It could be the new yoga.
2. Print trivia questions and answers on opposite sides of consecutive squares. Most Americans just give the toilet paper roll a good spin and whatever comes out, we use no matter how excessive. If we had to slow down and flip over the next square to get the answer to "What was the shortest marriage on record?" "Britney Spears - 6 hours or until the drugs wore off", we might just stop at those two squares.
3. Reduce the flushing power of our toilets. "You clogged the toilet again, kids? That's it! Next time you ask for toilet paper and I only give you a few squares."
Or we could buy roll-less toilet paper. Once again, American ingenuity allows us to be wasteful.
We Americans are subject to environmental guilt at every turn. We use half of the world's energy, discard more food than all of Africa eats and pollute the airwaves with "America's Got Talent". That's enough to feel guilty about. Let's look into this toilet paper roll crisis.
18 billion rolls divided by 300 million Americans comes to 60 rolls per American per year. No wonder folks stagger out of Sam's Club under the weight of those "Value Packs" of toilet paper that barely fit in our car trunks.
At 250 squares per roll, that is about 40 squares consumed by each American every day. If we can put a man on the moon and resolve the national debt situation amicably (or maybe not), we can reduce our toilet paper consumption:
1. Raise toilet paper holders out of the reach of toddlers and pets. It is "cute" the first time little Tiffany, Fluffy or Fido spin the roll and 250 squares flop wasted to the bathroom floor. It is an environmental disaster after that. Reaching for elevated rolls would also promote adult flexibility with a good stretch. It could be the new yoga.
2. Print trivia questions and answers on opposite sides of consecutive squares. Most Americans just give the toilet paper roll a good spin and whatever comes out, we use no matter how excessive. If we had to slow down and flip over the next square to get the answer to "What was the shortest marriage on record?" "Britney Spears - 6 hours or until the drugs wore off", we might just stop at those two squares.
3. Reduce the flushing power of our toilets. "You clogged the toilet again, kids? That's it! Next time you ask for toilet paper and I only give you a few squares."
Or we could buy roll-less toilet paper. Once again, American ingenuity allows us to be wasteful.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Brainstorming
Not content with baggage fees and charging for food, headphones, and pillows, the airlines took advantage of the expiration of Federal taxes on their tickets by retaining prices and lining their pockets with that extra money. Capitalism, ain't it great?
One imagines a brainstorming session at Mega Airlines on how to further increase profitability:
"We still have deadbeat passengers who don't check bags, eat on the plane, listen to salsa music on our "World Sounds", or try to take a nap. How can we get a few extra bucks from them?"
"We could charge more for all that legroom on bulkhead and exit row seats."
"We're already doing that. Anything else?"
"This is a crazy idea, but it may just work. Let's position screaming toddlers near the check-in podium. When passengers present their boarding passes, we'll ask them if they.like kids because their assigned seat is in the same row as those rug rats. For a few extra bucks, they could switch seats and have the parents sit next to the kids. The toddlers won't actually board the plane, of course. This would also work to avoid sitting next to incredibly obese people or bearded guys reciting the Koran."
"Not bad. Other ideas?"
"Our flight attendants always board first and stash their carry-ons in prime overhead storage space. Let's have them hang around the boarding gate. When a passenger checks in for Seat 10A, the flight attendant could say, "Too bad. That's the overhead bin assigned to the crew. For a slight charge, we could move to Row 11 and free up that space for you."
"I like that. How can we get into the passengers' wallets once they are on board? They are really vulnerable then."
"Here's a good one. After everyone is seated but before we announce "Return your seat backs and trays to their full upright and locked position", we approach the poor souls scrunched into a pretzel shape because the clown seated in front of them is fully-reclined. "Sir, if you have a major credit card, I can disable the recliner mechanism on the seat in front of you during take-off." That should be a real money-maker."
"Great work, brainstormers! If that Federal tax is reinstated, we can easily make up the difference with these ideas."
One imagines a brainstorming session at Mega Airlines on how to further increase profitability:
"We still have deadbeat passengers who don't check bags, eat on the plane, listen to salsa music on our "World Sounds", or try to take a nap. How can we get a few extra bucks from them?"
"We could charge more for all that legroom on bulkhead and exit row seats."
"We're already doing that. Anything else?"
"This is a crazy idea, but it may just work. Let's position screaming toddlers near the check-in podium. When passengers present their boarding passes, we'll ask them if they.like kids because their assigned seat is in the same row as those rug rats. For a few extra bucks, they could switch seats and have the parents sit next to the kids. The toddlers won't actually board the plane, of course. This would also work to avoid sitting next to incredibly obese people or bearded guys reciting the Koran."
"Not bad. Other ideas?"
"Our flight attendants always board first and stash their carry-ons in prime overhead storage space. Let's have them hang around the boarding gate. When a passenger checks in for Seat 10A, the flight attendant could say, "Too bad. That's the overhead bin assigned to the crew. For a slight charge, we could move to Row 11 and free up that space for you."
"I like that. How can we get into the passengers' wallets once they are on board? They are really vulnerable then."
"Here's a good one. After everyone is seated but before we announce "Return your seat backs and trays to their full upright and locked position", we approach the poor souls scrunched into a pretzel shape because the clown seated in front of them is fully-reclined. "Sir, if you have a major credit card, I can disable the recliner mechanism on the seat in front of you during take-off." That should be a real money-maker."
"Great work, brainstormers! If that Federal tax is reinstated, we can easily make up the difference with these ideas."
Monday, July 25, 2011
Taxpayers Unite!
What rights do we really have as taxpayers? Darryl Hartman of Lehighton broke new ground for the downtrodden last week.
Darryl drove into the Lehighton State Police Barracks to meet with his ex-wife and exchange custody of their child. What could possibly go wrong with an emotionally-fraught situation like this when surrounded by Pennsylvania's Finest? Darryl found a way. He parked behind the building alongside the State Police cruisers. When the troopers requested that Darryl relocate to the Visitor's Parking Lot, a "heated philosophical argument" ensued.
Darryl claimed that as a taxpayer, he owns the barracks and can park wherever he wants. After six warnings, he was told that he was under arrest and asked to get out of his car. Darryl refused and struggled with troopers until he was handcuffed. Darryl now faces charges of resisting arrest and disorderly conduct.
It takes only one brave individual standing for his / her rights to unleash a movement that changes history. Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on that bus and the Civil Rights Movement began. Now, Darryl Hartman is imprisoned for standing up for all of our rights as taxpayers.
I have paid thousands and thousands of dollars in Federal Income Taxes over the years. By now, I've probably paid for a tank or at least a howitzer. I should be able to park where ever I want at Fort Knox and drive "my" tank or fire my howitzer whenever I want. "Hey kids, let's really celebrate the 4th of July this year by lobbing a 105 mm high-explosive round at that neighbor who complains about Fido dumping on his lawn!"
I pay School Taxes every year so I must own some small part of the local high school. Not to be greedy, I'll take a table in the cafeteria. School cafeteria food isn't the greatest but it is inexpensive and I won't have to worry about preparation or clean-up.
Thanks, Darryl for showing us the way.
Darryl drove into the Lehighton State Police Barracks to meet with his ex-wife and exchange custody of their child. What could possibly go wrong with an emotionally-fraught situation like this when surrounded by Pennsylvania's Finest? Darryl found a way. He parked behind the building alongside the State Police cruisers. When the troopers requested that Darryl relocate to the Visitor's Parking Lot, a "heated philosophical argument" ensued.
Darryl claimed that as a taxpayer, he owns the barracks and can park wherever he wants. After six warnings, he was told that he was under arrest and asked to get out of his car. Darryl refused and struggled with troopers until he was handcuffed. Darryl now faces charges of resisting arrest and disorderly conduct.
It takes only one brave individual standing for his / her rights to unleash a movement that changes history. Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on that bus and the Civil Rights Movement began. Now, Darryl Hartman is imprisoned for standing up for all of our rights as taxpayers.
I have paid thousands and thousands of dollars in Federal Income Taxes over the years. By now, I've probably paid for a tank or at least a howitzer. I should be able to park where ever I want at Fort Knox and drive "my" tank or fire my howitzer whenever I want. "Hey kids, let's really celebrate the 4th of July this year by lobbing a 105 mm high-explosive round at that neighbor who complains about Fido dumping on his lawn!"
I pay School Taxes every year so I must own some small part of the local high school. Not to be greedy, I'll take a table in the cafeteria. School cafeteria food isn't the greatest but it is inexpensive and I won't have to worry about preparation or clean-up.
Thanks, Darryl for showing us the way.
Friday, July 22, 2011
A Return to Golf Supremacy
Three of the last six winners of professional golf's "major tournaments" are from Northern Ireland. Northern Ireland has a population of 1.7 million unfortunates trying to forget the rain and cold by downing copious amounts of Guinness and periodically engaging in sectarian warfare. This is not exactly eighteen holes on a warm sunny day before repairing to the Country Club pool for a quick dip to cool off. How do the Northern Irish do it?
They succeed because golf is all about "want to". Correct that duck hook, get some touch on that short game, and make those putts or you'll be out digging peat tomorrow. Playing golf is a lot easier.
To prove this point and to reinstate the good old USA as #1 in golf, we should take a state with Northern Ireland's population and crappy weather, say Nebraska, and give all of its high school sophomores free play and golf lessons. Before graduation every year, we hold a Nebraska State Open. The top ten finishers win lots of money and even more free play and lessons. The rest are sent off to husk corn or whatever people do in Nebraska. Would you rather put on plaid pants, spiked shoes, and a Ralph Lauren shirt to knock a little white ball around all day or don overalls, Wolverines, and a wife beater to spread manure on the fields?
Soon the PGA Tour will be full of corn-fed Tiger Woodses and Phil Mikkelsens with broad Midwestern accents. Take that, Northern Ireland! USA! USA!
They succeed because golf is all about "want to". Correct that duck hook, get some touch on that short game, and make those putts or you'll be out digging peat tomorrow. Playing golf is a lot easier.
To prove this point and to reinstate the good old USA as #1 in golf, we should take a state with Northern Ireland's population and crappy weather, say Nebraska, and give all of its high school sophomores free play and golf lessons. Before graduation every year, we hold a Nebraska State Open. The top ten finishers win lots of money and even more free play and lessons. The rest are sent off to husk corn or whatever people do in Nebraska. Would you rather put on plaid pants, spiked shoes, and a Ralph Lauren shirt to knock a little white ball around all day or don overalls, Wolverines, and a wife beater to spread manure on the fields?
Soon the PGA Tour will be full of corn-fed Tiger Woodses and Phil Mikkelsens with broad Midwestern accents. Take that, Northern Ireland! USA! USA!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Nerdiness
Nowadays, people who don't have a job want advice on how to get one. People who have a job want advice on how to keep one. The Business Section in the Sunday newspaper is chock-full of articles on how to do that. Networking, resume writing, interviewing skills, Annual Performance Review tips, etc. have all been done to death.
Last Sunday's paper had new and exciting job-related advice - Be a nerd. "Nerdiness is sometimes a plus. Because nerds are not socially attractive, they don't spend much time on chit-chat. Instead, they work alone on-line or in the lab and often produce great results."
At first, I thought this was absurd. The geeky guy with the bad haircut, questionable personal hygiene and shoddy wardrobe was not the one who got ahead when I was involved in Cubicle World. It was the guy with the good golf game who just happened to go to the same school as the CEO rising to the top. Then I thought of the two Big Success Stories of the past decade - Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg. Nerdy? Yes. Bad haircuts? Yes Personal Hygiene? Who knows? Shoddy wardrobe? Oh yeah.
I was downsized out of Cubicle World because I was not nerdy enough! It would have taken some effort, but I probably could have had a worse haircut. I didn't really need a daily shower. In fact, it dried my skin. A clean shirt every day? I was wasting the planet's resources.
I woulda / coulda / shoulda been Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg with more nerdiness.
Last Sunday's paper had new and exciting job-related advice - Be a nerd. "Nerdiness is sometimes a plus. Because nerds are not socially attractive, they don't spend much time on chit-chat. Instead, they work alone on-line or in the lab and often produce great results."
At first, I thought this was absurd. The geeky guy with the bad haircut, questionable personal hygiene and shoddy wardrobe was not the one who got ahead when I was involved in Cubicle World. It was the guy with the good golf game who just happened to go to the same school as the CEO rising to the top. Then I thought of the two Big Success Stories of the past decade - Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg. Nerdy? Yes. Bad haircuts? Yes Personal Hygiene? Who knows? Shoddy wardrobe? Oh yeah.
I was downsized out of Cubicle World because I was not nerdy enough! It would have taken some effort, but I probably could have had a worse haircut. I didn't really need a daily shower. In fact, it dried my skin. A clean shirt every day? I was wasting the planet's resources.
I woulda / coulda / shoulda been Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg with more nerdiness.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
The Navy Gets The Gravy
The old marching songs goes:
"Oh, the Navy gets the gravy.
But the Army gets the beans."
This has some basis in fact. In July, 1971, we proud soldiers of the 802d Engineer Battalion rode into the US Navy's base near Pusan, Korea to drive some piles for a new pier. Our "host" unit was responsible for feeding us. We had just finished building a helipad on a lonely mountaintop for the US Army Air Defense Artillery where we subsisted on "potted meat product". Before that, we built ammo bunkers for the Korean Army and were fed rice with mystery meat. Anything the Navy put on our plates would be an improvement.
Imagine our surprise when we lined up for breakfast and were asked how we would like our eggs. The Navy cooks were Masters of the Spatula. Golden yolks shone on "sunny-side up". Scrambled eggs were spongy and delicious. Even poached and soft-boiled eggs were available. Having subsisted on standard Army issue powdered eggs that turned an unappetizing green when cooked, we felt that we were in heaven.
We learned three lessons:
1. The Navy assigns its best people to become cooks. They feel that good food boosts morale. It certainly worked for us.
2. You can tell a lot about a guy's personality by his egg choice. Scrambled egg aficionados are hard-charging, no-nonsense types. "No time to sop up yolk with toast. I've got a mission to accomplish." Sunny-side up fans and, to a lesser extent, over-easy guys are less impulsive. "I'll take the time to absorb the full experience of this breakfast. I evaluate all alternatives before I decide on a course of action." Then there is the poached egg contingent. "Oh, for a slice of Canadian bacon and a bit of Hollandaise. What sacrifices I make in the service of my country." Last, we have the soft-boiled egg group. "This egg was boiled for more than 3 minutes! It is going solid! Off to the brig with you, Cook" One imagines Admiral Halsey was a soft-boiled egg man, precise and disciplined.
3. As dumb as we would look in those funny white Popeye hats, we would be better off (or better-fed anyway) in the Navy.
"Oh, the Navy gets the gravy.
But the Army gets the beans."
This has some basis in fact. In July, 1971, we proud soldiers of the 802d Engineer Battalion rode into the US Navy's base near Pusan, Korea to drive some piles for a new pier. Our "host" unit was responsible for feeding us. We had just finished building a helipad on a lonely mountaintop for the US Army Air Defense Artillery where we subsisted on "potted meat product". Before that, we built ammo bunkers for the Korean Army and were fed rice with mystery meat. Anything the Navy put on our plates would be an improvement.
Imagine our surprise when we lined up for breakfast and were asked how we would like our eggs. The Navy cooks were Masters of the Spatula. Golden yolks shone on "sunny-side up". Scrambled eggs were spongy and delicious. Even poached and soft-boiled eggs were available. Having subsisted on standard Army issue powdered eggs that turned an unappetizing green when cooked, we felt that we were in heaven.
We learned three lessons:
1. The Navy assigns its best people to become cooks. They feel that good food boosts morale. It certainly worked for us.
2. You can tell a lot about a guy's personality by his egg choice. Scrambled egg aficionados are hard-charging, no-nonsense types. "No time to sop up yolk with toast. I've got a mission to accomplish." Sunny-side up fans and, to a lesser extent, over-easy guys are less impulsive. "I'll take the time to absorb the full experience of this breakfast. I evaluate all alternatives before I decide on a course of action." Then there is the poached egg contingent. "Oh, for a slice of Canadian bacon and a bit of Hollandaise. What sacrifices I make in the service of my country." Last, we have the soft-boiled egg group. "This egg was boiled for more than 3 minutes! It is going solid! Off to the brig with you, Cook" One imagines Admiral Halsey was a soft-boiled egg man, precise and disciplined.
3. As dumb as we would look in those funny white Popeye hats, we would be better off (or better-fed anyway) in the Navy.
Monday, July 18, 2011
How To Sell A Luxury Car
Luxury automakers are laying on the perks to increase sales in these tough economic times. If Joe Millionaire loses his tax breaks, he may not be able to buy a new Mercedes when last year's model gets dusty..
Nissan's Infiniti now offers free concierge service to new buyers. It includes unlimited 24-hour access to a team of personal assistants who provide driving directions, weather forecasts, dining suggestions, and sports scores through the car's Bluetooth System. What a great idea! Let's get our directions from some native Hindi speaker in New Delhi instead of our trusty GPS. Weather forecasts and sports scores from the radio are for the "little people". Infiniti drivers deserve personalized concierge-quality weather and sports! "Sunny and mild today just for you, Donald Trump. It will rain on everyone else. And the Yankees beat the Red Sox last night inspired by your brillance on Celebrity Apprentice."
Hyundai's Equus comes with an iPad in place of an Owner's Manual. Now you can ignore oil change intervals and tire pressure requirements electronically instead of on old-fashioned ink and paper. Equus also offers painless maintenance service. An Equus technician will come to your home or place of business when the vehicle needs service, leave a loaner car, take your original vehicle in for service and return it all ship-shape. No longer will Equus owners have to bum a ride from the shop or, horror or horrors, cram themselves into the dealer's Courtesy Van with common people for a ride to work.
Those Equus technicians deserve combat pay though. "Security Alert! Security Alert! A non-employee just drove away in our CEO's Equus. Close the gates. Load the AK-47s. Release the hounds."
Concierge service, electronic Owner's Manuals, and painless maintenance help, but the fool-proof way to get all those junior executives to empty their children's college savings accounts and purchase your luxury car is time-tested and obvious. Make sure that their CEO drives your luxury car brand.
Executive parking lots across America are like high school cafeterias. Everyone wants to drive / wear what the CEO / cool kids drive / wear. When I first entered Corporate World back in 1972, our CEO drove an Olds 88. The prime spots in the Executive Parking Lot, not surprisingly, looked like a GM dealership. His successor drove a gold Jaguar. In the blink of an eye, all those Detroit behemoths magically transformed into sporty British sedans. None of them were gold, though. You can't out-shine the Top Dog. A subsequent CEO favored BMWs. A BMW dealership actually opened near corporate headquarters to handle the demand.
A clever luxury manufacturer who gave a free cars to each Fortune 500 CEO would find his showrooms swamped with eager buyers.
Nissan's Infiniti now offers free concierge service to new buyers. It includes unlimited 24-hour access to a team of personal assistants who provide driving directions, weather forecasts, dining suggestions, and sports scores through the car's Bluetooth System. What a great idea! Let's get our directions from some native Hindi speaker in New Delhi instead of our trusty GPS. Weather forecasts and sports scores from the radio are for the "little people". Infiniti drivers deserve personalized concierge-quality weather and sports! "Sunny and mild today just for you, Donald Trump. It will rain on everyone else. And the Yankees beat the Red Sox last night inspired by your brillance on Celebrity Apprentice."
Hyundai's Equus comes with an iPad in place of an Owner's Manual. Now you can ignore oil change intervals and tire pressure requirements electronically instead of on old-fashioned ink and paper. Equus also offers painless maintenance service. An Equus technician will come to your home or place of business when the vehicle needs service, leave a loaner car, take your original vehicle in for service and return it all ship-shape. No longer will Equus owners have to bum a ride from the shop or, horror or horrors, cram themselves into the dealer's Courtesy Van with common people for a ride to work.
Those Equus technicians deserve combat pay though. "Security Alert! Security Alert! A non-employee just drove away in our CEO's Equus. Close the gates. Load the AK-47s. Release the hounds."
Concierge service, electronic Owner's Manuals, and painless maintenance help, but the fool-proof way to get all those junior executives to empty their children's college savings accounts and purchase your luxury car is time-tested and obvious. Make sure that their CEO drives your luxury car brand.
Executive parking lots across America are like high school cafeterias. Everyone wants to drive / wear what the CEO / cool kids drive / wear. When I first entered Corporate World back in 1972, our CEO drove an Olds 88. The prime spots in the Executive Parking Lot, not surprisingly, looked like a GM dealership. His successor drove a gold Jaguar. In the blink of an eye, all those Detroit behemoths magically transformed into sporty British sedans. None of them were gold, though. You can't out-shine the Top Dog. A subsequent CEO favored BMWs. A BMW dealership actually opened near corporate headquarters to handle the demand.
A clever luxury manufacturer who gave a free cars to each Fortune 500 CEO would find his showrooms swamped with eager buyers.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Hero Dog Prevents Accident
The old TV show "Lassie" had a recurring plot line. Timmy falls in a well; Gramps is trapped in a burning barn; Russian ICBMs are headed straight for Heartland, USA. Fortunately, Lassie is on hand to race for help, woofing all the way. "What are you trying to tell us, girl? I'll contact President Kennedy right away. We'll blockade Cuba and also get the Fire Dept to rescue Timmy and Gramps."
Today, my trusty canine companion, Harper, morphed into Lassie and prevented an auto accident.
We were on our morning walk. I was engrossed in Sports Radio on the Walkman. Harper was concentrating on finding an appropriate spot for his morning dump. "Shall I humiliate that yappy little bichon frise by crapping on his lawn and then lifting my leg over it for emphasis? Or shall I wait until I see some human on his front porch and dump right in front of him? That will get this clown who is walking me off his Sports Radio."
A car approached us at a high rate of speed, stopped curbside and the driver bolted out. The car, sans driver, then drifted backward and crossed the street headed for a parked vehicle. Harper woofed breaking me from my reverie. "What are you trying to tell me, boy? The driver didn't lock the door. We can reach the car before its imminent collision, open the door, and put on the emergency brake. Or maybe it is a terrorist car packed with explosives and we will go up in a blaze of glory."
We did get the emergency brake applied in time. The driver was all apologetic. Disaster was averted thanks to a quick-thinking canine
Harper was so excited that he dumped right there in the street. "I'm not marking my territory here, just leaving a memorial on the spot where I became a hero." I felt bad picking it up.
Today, my trusty canine companion, Harper, morphed into Lassie and prevented an auto accident.
We were on our morning walk. I was engrossed in Sports Radio on the Walkman. Harper was concentrating on finding an appropriate spot for his morning dump. "Shall I humiliate that yappy little bichon frise by crapping on his lawn and then lifting my leg over it for emphasis? Or shall I wait until I see some human on his front porch and dump right in front of him? That will get this clown who is walking me off his Sports Radio."
A car approached us at a high rate of speed, stopped curbside and the driver bolted out. The car, sans driver, then drifted backward and crossed the street headed for a parked vehicle. Harper woofed breaking me from my reverie. "What are you trying to tell me, boy? The driver didn't lock the door. We can reach the car before its imminent collision, open the door, and put on the emergency brake. Or maybe it is a terrorist car packed with explosives and we will go up in a blaze of glory."
We did get the emergency brake applied in time. The driver was all apologetic. Disaster was averted thanks to a quick-thinking canine
Harper was so excited that he dumped right there in the street. "I'm not marking my territory here, just leaving a memorial on the spot where I became a hero." I felt bad picking it up.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Toilet Paper Technology
The latest in Toilet Paper Technology is the spool-less roll. No longer will our landfills be clogged with those nasty cardboard spools. The new technology will also be a boon for future archaeologists. "Clearly this landfill dates back to pre-2011, Dr. Jones. It is full of toilet paper spools. No need to do carbon-dating."
Toilet Paper Technology has made great strides during my lifetime. Modern youth cannot recall the dark days before "squeezable Charmin". TP was not always so good.
During the Viet Nam Era, we soldiers in the field subsisted on "C Rations". Each "meal" included a canned entree (Scrambled eggs in a can? Blecch), a canned dessert (usually non-meltable chocolate that was also non-edible), canned crackers, instant coffee, a mini-pack of cigarettes and a wad of, you guessed it, toilet paper. The "meals" came in cardboard boxes stamped with a "packing date". The "packing date" was usually sometime during WWII which made the food we were eating older than we were.
Nature eventually took its course and we had to use the toilet paper. The problem was that WWII era TP not only lacked "squeezable softness" but it often contained wood chips causing abrasions on a portion of our bodies that should not be abraded.
The spool-less roll is all well and good, but the greatest advancement in Toilet Paper Technology was the elimination of wood chips. Bless those TP Tech pioneers!
Toilet Paper Technology has made great strides during my lifetime. Modern youth cannot recall the dark days before "squeezable Charmin". TP was not always so good.
During the Viet Nam Era, we soldiers in the field subsisted on "C Rations". Each "meal" included a canned entree (Scrambled eggs in a can? Blecch), a canned dessert (usually non-meltable chocolate that was also non-edible), canned crackers, instant coffee, a mini-pack of cigarettes and a wad of, you guessed it, toilet paper. The "meals" came in cardboard boxes stamped with a "packing date". The "packing date" was usually sometime during WWII which made the food we were eating older than we were.
Nature eventually took its course and we had to use the toilet paper. The problem was that WWII era TP not only lacked "squeezable softness" but it often contained wood chips causing abrasions on a portion of our bodies that should not be abraded.
The spool-less roll is all well and good, but the greatest advancement in Toilet Paper Technology was the elimination of wood chips. Bless those TP Tech pioneers!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The Kate Connection
Security is tight at medical testing facilities. To prevent blood test cheating, patients must provide Insurance Card, Government-Issued Photo ID, Proof of Address, and Date of Birth. After all, there may be someone else living at my house, sharing my insurance, and looking vaguely like me who hopes to claim my cholesterol-ravaged blood as their own in a lucrative scheme to obtain Zocor tablets to re-sell on the black market.
But that blood test cheater will be foiled by the Date of Birth safeguard. I am clearly the sole resident at my address born on 9 Jan 48. In fact, the one question asked at both the Front Desk and the Phlebotomy Room is "What is your Date of Birth?"
This used to be a problem for me. One's birthday is a great conversation starter. It is always a good idea to chit-chat with the person about to open one of your veins. ("I guess I'll use the clean needle on this guy. He seems nice.") The problem arises when the phlebotomist or her family are not January people. Rather than terminate the conversation, the next step is to recite famous folk sharing that birthday. The best-known January 9ther used to be Richard Nixon ("If this guy is anything like Tricky Dick, he gets a turkey baster shoved in his arm instead of a needle.")
January 9thers rejoice! Kate Middleton shares our natal day. January 9thers need merely mention this rather tenuous connection to The People's Princess In Waiting and we are assured of efficient and sanitary care. I had blood extracted today and the Kate Connection worked like a charm. There was no unsightly bruising at the puncture point. It was the Best Blood Test Ever. Thanks, Kate.
But that blood test cheater will be foiled by the Date of Birth safeguard. I am clearly the sole resident at my address born on 9 Jan 48. In fact, the one question asked at both the Front Desk and the Phlebotomy Room is "What is your Date of Birth?"
This used to be a problem for me. One's birthday is a great conversation starter. It is always a good idea to chit-chat with the person about to open one of your veins. ("I guess I'll use the clean needle on this guy. He seems nice.") The problem arises when the phlebotomist or her family are not January people. Rather than terminate the conversation, the next step is to recite famous folk sharing that birthday. The best-known January 9ther used to be Richard Nixon ("If this guy is anything like Tricky Dick, he gets a turkey baster shoved in his arm instead of a needle.")
January 9thers rejoice! Kate Middleton shares our natal day. January 9thers need merely mention this rather tenuous connection to The People's Princess In Waiting and we are assured of efficient and sanitary care. I had blood extracted today and the Kate Connection worked like a charm. There was no unsightly bruising at the puncture point. It was the Best Blood Test Ever. Thanks, Kate.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Poker Night With The Guys
Major League Baseball is investigating allegations that Yankee 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez played in a high stakes poker game that included Tobey Maguire, Leonardo DiCaprio and Ben Affleck. Apparently, A-Rod seeks additional excitement in his otherwise boring routine of being seated in a luxury suite at the Super Bowl being fed popcorn by Cameron Diaz.
The best part of Poker Night With The Guys is the verbal byplay around the table. One imagines the witty repartee among this quartet of the Rich and Famous:
"Tobey, what does your Spidey Sense tell you about my hole cards? You call? Sorry, Webslinger, I win the pot. It's time for you to don the blue and red suit for "Spiderman 4 - Thirty Something Guy Tries To Convince Us That He Is A Misunderstood College Age Crime-Fighter" assuming you can still fit into the suit, that is."
"Leo, do you want more cards or not? This is taking longer than your soliloquy treading frigid water next to that raft at the end of "Titanic". Guys! Let's immerse Leo chest deep in 34° water for a half hour. Shrinkage alert!"
"Ben, raising the pot with cards like that showing makes about as much sense as agreeing to star in "Gigli". I know that Jen Lopez really wanted to do it but now you've lost both her and your career."
"A-Rod, staring at those cards isn't going to change them. Of course, you are good at changing some things - like girlfriends - going from Madonna to Kate Hudson to Cameron Diaz. Isn't it amazing how $25 million per year turns you into a chick magnet?"
Even for the Rich and Famous, the card playing is secondary to the male bonding.
The best part of Poker Night With The Guys is the verbal byplay around the table. One imagines the witty repartee among this quartet of the Rich and Famous:
"Tobey, what does your Spidey Sense tell you about my hole cards? You call? Sorry, Webslinger, I win the pot. It's time for you to don the blue and red suit for "Spiderman 4 - Thirty Something Guy Tries To Convince Us That He Is A Misunderstood College Age Crime-Fighter" assuming you can still fit into the suit, that is."
"Leo, do you want more cards or not? This is taking longer than your soliloquy treading frigid water next to that raft at the end of "Titanic". Guys! Let's immerse Leo chest deep in 34° water for a half hour. Shrinkage alert!"
"Ben, raising the pot with cards like that showing makes about as much sense as agreeing to star in "Gigli". I know that Jen Lopez really wanted to do it but now you've lost both her and your career."
"A-Rod, staring at those cards isn't going to change them. Of course, you are good at changing some things - like girlfriends - going from Madonna to Kate Hudson to Cameron Diaz. Isn't it amazing how $25 million per year turns you into a chick magnet?"
Even for the Rich and Famous, the card playing is secondary to the male bonding.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Prank or Vandalism?
What is the difference between a prank and vandalism? In some cases, the difference is clear. The classic flaming bag of dog poop placed on the cranky neighbor's porch is a prank. A flaming bottle full of gasoline tossed through the cranky neighbor's window is vandalism.
Sometimes, the difference is not so obvious. Last week, five kids broke into a home in the Poconos "and threw about fifty stones at the eleven pet alligators there injuring at least two of the animals" according to police reports. A harmless prank? Felonious vandalism? Or is it something else? You decide.
"The owner had the alligators X-rayed. The estimated medical cost to treat their injuries is $6,000" At that price, it sounds like felonious vandalism to me. That cost estimate may also include psychiatric care for the dog and cat owners traumatized in the vet's waiting room when the gator owner entered with eleven presumably angry reptiles in tow. "OMG, Bernice, there I was with Fluffy waiting on her annual distemper shot when eleven gators come waddling in. Fluffy coughed up a hairball the size of a grapefruit."
If the Casey Anthony trial has taught us anything, it is that we should not rush to judgement even if Nancy Grace tells us to do so. The police report continues, "The alligators are various sizes, ranging from 30 pounds to more than 200 pounds." Maybe the "harmless prank" defense won't convince a jury, but an "insanity" defense would be foolproof. "We got bored with frying ants with a magnifying glass, Your Honor, so we naturally decided to throw stones at reptiles that weigh more than we do. What could possibly go wrong?"
Is it a harmless prank, vandalism, or something else? I vote for "incredible stupidity".
Sometimes, the difference is not so obvious. Last week, five kids broke into a home in the Poconos "and threw about fifty stones at the eleven pet alligators there injuring at least two of the animals" according to police reports. A harmless prank? Felonious vandalism? Or is it something else? You decide.
"The owner had the alligators X-rayed. The estimated medical cost to treat their injuries is $6,000" At that price, it sounds like felonious vandalism to me. That cost estimate may also include psychiatric care for the dog and cat owners traumatized in the vet's waiting room when the gator owner entered with eleven presumably angry reptiles in tow. "OMG, Bernice, there I was with Fluffy waiting on her annual distemper shot when eleven gators come waddling in. Fluffy coughed up a hairball the size of a grapefruit."
If the Casey Anthony trial has taught us anything, it is that we should not rush to judgement even if Nancy Grace tells us to do so. The police report continues, "The alligators are various sizes, ranging from 30 pounds to more than 200 pounds." Maybe the "harmless prank" defense won't convince a jury, but an "insanity" defense would be foolproof. "We got bored with frying ants with a magnifying glass, Your Honor, so we naturally decided to throw stones at reptiles that weigh more than we do. What could possibly go wrong?"
Is it a harmless prank, vandalism, or something else? I vote for "incredible stupidity".
Friday, July 8, 2011
Horrible Bosses
This week's Summer Blockbuster Premiere is "Horrible Bosses", a film that is somewhat easier for most of us to identify with than its competition "Zookeeper" wherein talking animals give their human keeper social advice. It strains credulity to see a talking gorilla pick up an attractive girl in a night club. On the other hand, who couldn't identify with an average-looking guy who is sexually pursued by his boss played by Jennifer Aniston? That's reality - Hollywood style.
What if "Horrible Bosses" dealt in actual workday reality? Incidents with "horrible bosses" from my past might make for a cinematic treasure.
1. I set up and ran a test program to better manufacture ceramic cooktops in Toledo, OH. We had never done this before. Our customer happened to be the brother of our company's CEO. Failure was not an option. Actually, taking the blame for failure was not an option. Before we started up, my boss dropped by and informed me, "If this thing works, I'll come back to take the credit. If it doesn't, it is all your fault and I was back in Allentown the whole time." It wasn't exactly being sexually harassed by Jennifer Aniston or even Phyllis Diller, but it was scary. Thankfully, the test program worked.
2. Besides taking credit and avoiding blame, bosses are concerned with maintaining departmental budgets. The fiscal year was only half over, we had plenty of projects on the West Coast, and we were nearing the limit on our Travel Budget. Our boss called a Group Meeting. "I know that some of you have relatives living on the West Coast. Why not stay with your relatives when you go out there on business? Better yet, why not arrange for your co-workers to stay with your relatives? It would really help our Travel Budget."
The movie scene based on this incident begins with a forlorn engineer knocking on a stranger's door. ""Hi! You don't know me but I work with your brother-in-law. Our Travel Budget is a little tight right now and I was wondering if I could stay here for a few days. I'll babysit your kids at night!"
3. The climactic scene from "Real Horrible Bosses" has to be when the boss somberly intones, "This is the toughest thing I have to do. The company is forcing us to downsize and we have to let you go. I'll just stand here along with this jackbooted Security Guard while you pack up your personal belongings to make sure you don't steal any company property. It breaks my heart to do this, but my bonuses and stock options will have me feeling better in no time."
That might be too "real world" for Hollywood.
What if "Horrible Bosses" dealt in actual workday reality? Incidents with "horrible bosses" from my past might make for a cinematic treasure.
1. I set up and ran a test program to better manufacture ceramic cooktops in Toledo, OH. We had never done this before. Our customer happened to be the brother of our company's CEO. Failure was not an option. Actually, taking the blame for failure was not an option. Before we started up, my boss dropped by and informed me, "If this thing works, I'll come back to take the credit. If it doesn't, it is all your fault and I was back in Allentown the whole time." It wasn't exactly being sexually harassed by Jennifer Aniston or even Phyllis Diller, but it was scary. Thankfully, the test program worked.
2. Besides taking credit and avoiding blame, bosses are concerned with maintaining departmental budgets. The fiscal year was only half over, we had plenty of projects on the West Coast, and we were nearing the limit on our Travel Budget. Our boss called a Group Meeting. "I know that some of you have relatives living on the West Coast. Why not stay with your relatives when you go out there on business? Better yet, why not arrange for your co-workers to stay with your relatives? It would really help our Travel Budget."
The movie scene based on this incident begins with a forlorn engineer knocking on a stranger's door. ""Hi! You don't know me but I work with your brother-in-law. Our Travel Budget is a little tight right now and I was wondering if I could stay here for a few days. I'll babysit your kids at night!"
3. The climactic scene from "Real Horrible Bosses" has to be when the boss somberly intones, "This is the toughest thing I have to do. The company is forcing us to downsize and we have to let you go. I'll just stand here along with this jackbooted Security Guard while you pack up your personal belongings to make sure you don't steal any company property. It breaks my heart to do this, but my bonuses and stock options will have me feeling better in no time."
That might be too "real world" for Hollywood.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Pop Quiz
Pop Quiz: Christian Mingle is …
· a. A star soccer player from Germany who is following David Beckham "across the pond" to play in America.
· b. The name of a dating service website that runs TV commercials in which the narrator says, "Sometimes we wait for God to make the next move, when God is saying, 'It's your time to act, the next move is yours.'"
(I'll let you think about this one.)
(Keep thinking.)
And … time! The answer is "b."
First, the Pope has a Twitter account. Now, God Himself starts a dating service website. It took Organized Religion centuries to acknowledge a heliocentric Solar System but only a few decades to enter the Digital Age. That's progress.
One wonders what survey questions might uncover "the seven layers of compatibility" for Christian Mingle applicants. It is of utmost importance to winnow out non-Christians who might want to sneak in.
"Mark if you "strongly agree", "agree", "disagree" or "strongly disagree":
1. Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment on New Orleans for its wicked ways.
2. Look out, New York, you're next now that you've legalized same sex marriage.
3. Converting a vacant coat store into a Muslim Center near Ground Zero is a sure sign that those Islamofascists are taking over.
4. Birth certificate or not, President Obama was born Muslim in Kenya or, more likely, in Mecca itself.
If you "strongly agree" with all four, welcome to Christian Mingle.
· a. A star soccer player from Germany who is following David Beckham "across the pond" to play in America.
· b. The name of a dating service website that runs TV commercials in which the narrator says, "Sometimes we wait for God to make the next move, when God is saying, 'It's your time to act, the next move is yours.'"
(I'll let you think about this one.)
(Keep thinking.)
And … time! The answer is "b."
First, the Pope has a Twitter account. Now, God Himself starts a dating service website. It took Organized Religion centuries to acknowledge a heliocentric Solar System but only a few decades to enter the Digital Age. That's progress.
One wonders what survey questions might uncover "the seven layers of compatibility" for Christian Mingle applicants. It is of utmost importance to winnow out non-Christians who might want to sneak in.
"Mark if you "strongly agree", "agree", "disagree" or "strongly disagree":
1. Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment on New Orleans for its wicked ways.
2. Look out, New York, you're next now that you've legalized same sex marriage.
3. Converting a vacant coat store into a Muslim Center near Ground Zero is a sure sign that those Islamofascists are taking over.
4. Birth certificate or not, President Obama was born Muslim in Kenya or, more likely, in Mecca itself.
If you "strongly agree" with all four, welcome to Christian Mingle.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
What's My Motivation?
"Method" acting was all the rage in the movie acting from the '50s through the 80s. Marlon Brando actually became the brutish Stanley Kowalski in "Streetcar Named Desire" and later internalized the role of stately Vito Corleone in "The Godfather". Robert DeNiro transformed from the delusional Travis Bickle of "Taxi Driver" to the crazy in a different way Jake LaMotta in "Raging Bull". Meryl Streep was entirely convincing as the bitchy wife in "Kramer vs Kramer" and equally true as the victimized Sophie in "Sophie's Choice". Academy Awards for Best Actor seem to follow true Method Actors.
Move over, Marlon, Robert, and Meryl. Shia La Beouf is taking the Method Acting Highway to Oscarland. According to news reports, Shia was preparing to shoot a pivotal scene in "Transformers 3". To put himself in the proper frame of mind, he put a certain song from his iPod on the soundstage speakers. Director Michael Bay objected to the song. Shia took Bay aside and claimed, "This song is the crux of my whole character, my whole arc." Bay and Shia nearly came to blows. Finally, Bay left the set and La Beouf finished the scene with only the cameraman in attendance. Score one for artistic integrity. Who needs a Director around setting up all those special effects? It's not like moviegoers are coughing up $10 to see giant robots demolish Chicago. They are queuing up to see Shia LaBeouf emote.
A word of warning, though, Shia. Megan Fox got a little too big for her britches after Transformers 1 and 2 and found herself replaced by a Victoria's Secret model in "T3". No matter how good a Method Actor you are, could it be that the only irreplaceable parts of the Transformers franchise are Optimus Prime and Megatron?
You may win your Oscar, Shia, but crossing swords with the director could get you a pink slip before Transformers 4 starts shooting.
Move over, Marlon, Robert, and Meryl. Shia La Beouf is taking the Method Acting Highway to Oscarland. According to news reports, Shia was preparing to shoot a pivotal scene in "Transformers 3". To put himself in the proper frame of mind, he put a certain song from his iPod on the soundstage speakers. Director Michael Bay objected to the song. Shia took Bay aside and claimed, "This song is the crux of my whole character, my whole arc." Bay and Shia nearly came to blows. Finally, Bay left the set and La Beouf finished the scene with only the cameraman in attendance. Score one for artistic integrity. Who needs a Director around setting up all those special effects? It's not like moviegoers are coughing up $10 to see giant robots demolish Chicago. They are queuing up to see Shia LaBeouf emote.
A word of warning, though, Shia. Megan Fox got a little too big for her britches after Transformers 1 and 2 and found herself replaced by a Victoria's Secret model in "T3". No matter how good a Method Actor you are, could it be that the only irreplaceable parts of the Transformers franchise are Optimus Prime and Megatron?
You may win your Oscar, Shia, but crossing swords with the director could get you a pink slip before Transformers 4 starts shooting.
Monday, July 4, 2011
The Keys to Success
Sports analysis jargon is spreading.
July 4th is a slow sports day. Only major league baseball is really in season and how often can we talk about Jose Reyes' hamstring? Fortunately we have the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest to fill those sport-free hours until the Phillies take to the field tonight. How can we turn gluttony into a sporting event? In-depth sports analysis, of course. Walking the dog and listening to Sports Radio this morning, I heard, "The keys to success in Competitive Eating are hand speed, jaw strength, and stomach capacity." And the guy was serious!
As a sports fan, I'm familiar with the buzzwords of in-depth analysis. "Peyton Manning is great because of his quick release and his ability to move around in the pocket." "Chase Utley's bat speed through the hitting zone and his lower body strength are the secret to his power." "Kobe Bryant's ability to change direction in mid-air makes his shot unblockable."
Now I know the key to consuming 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. I will never have quick release when throwing a football, bat speed through the hitting zone or the ability to change direction in mid-air, but I can rise to the heights of competitive eating by working on my hand speed, jaw strength, and stomach capacity. As of today, I'm in training for next year's Nathan's Contest. Since there are about eight hot dogs per pound, all I have to do is wolf down 8.5 pounds of wieners in ten minutes. It sounds daunting, but now I know the keys to success.
July 4th is a slow sports day. Only major league baseball is really in season and how often can we talk about Jose Reyes' hamstring? Fortunately we have the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest to fill those sport-free hours until the Phillies take to the field tonight. How can we turn gluttony into a sporting event? In-depth sports analysis, of course. Walking the dog and listening to Sports Radio this morning, I heard, "The keys to success in Competitive Eating are hand speed, jaw strength, and stomach capacity." And the guy was serious!
As a sports fan, I'm familiar with the buzzwords of in-depth analysis. "Peyton Manning is great because of his quick release and his ability to move around in the pocket." "Chase Utley's bat speed through the hitting zone and his lower body strength are the secret to his power." "Kobe Bryant's ability to change direction in mid-air makes his shot unblockable."
Now I know the key to consuming 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. I will never have quick release when throwing a football, bat speed through the hitting zone or the ability to change direction in mid-air, but I can rise to the heights of competitive eating by working on my hand speed, jaw strength, and stomach capacity. As of today, I'm in training for next year's Nathan's Contest. Since there are about eight hot dogs per pound, all I have to do is wolf down 8.5 pounds of wieners in ten minutes. It sounds daunting, but now I know the keys to success.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Bunny Suit
VElectronics manufacture requires a Clean Room environment. Workers must dress in bulky "bunny suits" and pass through an "air shower" before entering the work space. "Bunny suits" provide more coverage than burkhas and conceal all body skin and hair surfaces. Having a bad hair day? Suffering from an acne attack? Put on a few unsightly pounds over the weekend? The "bunny suit" will prevent snarky comments from your co-workers because they'll never know. In the Clean Room, Julia Roberts looks just like Kathy Bates.
One wonders if transforming High Schools into Clean Rooms and requiring "bunny suits" wouldn't cut down on all that traumatizing "Mean Girls" nastiness. Of course gender identification might be a problem. "Dear Abby: I asked my Chem Lab partner to the Prom yesterday and it turned out that he was a dude. I never knew! He agreed because he thought that I was a girl. Do we go with pin-on or wrist corsages? Signed, Bunny Suited in Seattle."
The Bunny Suit Concept could actually extend beyond the Clean Room. As of last week, visitors to NY's Riker's Island Prison must wear size XXL tee-shirts before meeting their favorite inmate. Apparently, there has been a problem with "provocative clothing" on visitors. "Inmates made comments on other inmates visitors appearance which led to flared tempers and violence." Hard to believe that a provocatively-dressed babe on the other side of that Plexiglas wall could lead to problems in a prison environment.
Why not replace the XXL tee-shirts with bunny suits? That will eliminate the problem entirely. As a side benefit, why not have the properly-clad visitors assemble a cell phone or two on their way in to the prison? It will add money to the prison budget and provide job training. Talk about a win - win.
One wonders if transforming High Schools into Clean Rooms and requiring "bunny suits" wouldn't cut down on all that traumatizing "Mean Girls" nastiness. Of course gender identification might be a problem. "Dear Abby: I asked my Chem Lab partner to the Prom yesterday and it turned out that he was a dude. I never knew! He agreed because he thought that I was a girl. Do we go with pin-on or wrist corsages? Signed, Bunny Suited in Seattle."
The Bunny Suit Concept could actually extend beyond the Clean Room. As of last week, visitors to NY's Riker's Island Prison must wear size XXL tee-shirts before meeting their favorite inmate. Apparently, there has been a problem with "provocative clothing" on visitors. "Inmates made comments on other inmates visitors appearance which led to flared tempers and violence." Hard to believe that a provocatively-dressed babe on the other side of that Plexiglas wall could lead to problems in a prison environment.
Why not replace the XXL tee-shirts with bunny suits? That will eliminate the problem entirely. As a side benefit, why not have the properly-clad visitors assemble a cell phone or two on their way in to the prison? It will add money to the prison budget and provide job training. Talk about a win - win.
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