Environmental Guilt

A current TV commercial extols the benefits of a new, roll-less toilet paper. "Americans consume 18 billion rolls of toilet paper each year. The scrap rolls could fill the Empire State Building twice! New roll-less Charmin is not only soft, but environmentally-friendly."

We Americans are subject to environmental guilt at every turn. We use half of the world's energy, discard more food than all of Africa eats and pollute the airwaves with "America's Got Talent". That's enough to feel guilty about. Let's look into this toilet paper roll crisis.

18 billion rolls divided by 300 million Americans comes to 60 rolls per American per year. No wonder folks stagger out of Sam's Club under the weight of those "Value Packs" of toilet paper that barely fit in our car trunks.

At 250 squares per roll, that is about 40 squares consumed by each American every day. If we can put a man on the moon and resolve the national debt situation amicably (or maybe not), we can reduce our toilet paper consumption:

1. Raise toilet paper holders out of the reach of toddlers and pets. It is "cute" the first time little Tiffany, Fluffy or Fido spin the roll and 250 squares flop wasted to the bathroom floor. It is an environmental disaster after that. Reaching for elevated rolls would also promote adult flexibility with a good stretch. It could be the new yoga.

2. Print trivia questions and answers on opposite sides of consecutive squares. Most Americans just give the toilet paper roll a good spin and whatever comes out, we use no matter how excessive. If we had to slow down and flip over the next square to get the answer to "What was the shortest marriage on record?" "Britney Spears - 6 hours or until the drugs wore off", we might just stop at those two squares.

3. Reduce the flushing power of our toilets. "You clogged the toilet again, kids? That's it! Next time you ask for toilet paper and I only give you a few squares."

Or we could buy roll-less toilet paper. Once again, American ingenuity allows us to be wasteful.