Friday, July 22, 2011

A Return to Golf Supremacy

Three of the last six winners of professional golf's "major tournaments" are from Northern Ireland. Northern Ireland has a population of 1.7 million unfortunates trying to forget the rain and cold by downing copious amounts of Guinness and periodically engaging in sectarian warfare. This is not exactly eighteen holes on a warm sunny day before repairing to the Country Club pool for a quick dip to cool off. How do the Northern Irish do it?

They succeed because golf is all about "want to". Correct that duck hook, get some touch on that short game, and make those putts or you'll be out digging peat tomorrow. Playing golf is a lot easier.

To prove this point and to reinstate the good old USA as #1 in golf, we should take a state with Northern Ireland's population and crappy weather, say Nebraska, and give all of its high school sophomores free play and golf lessons. Before graduation every year, we hold a Nebraska State Open. The top ten finishers win lots of money and even more free play and lessons. The rest are sent off to husk corn or whatever people do in Nebraska. Would you rather put on plaid pants, spiked shoes, and a Ralph Lauren shirt to knock a little white ball around all day or don overalls, Wolverines, and a wife beater to spread manure on the fields?

Soon the PGA Tour will be full of corn-fed Tiger Woodses and Phil Mikkelsens with broad Midwestern accents. Take that, Northern Ireland! USA! USA!

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