The Keys to Success

Sports analysis jargon is spreading.

July 4th is a slow sports day. Only major league baseball is really in season and how often can we talk about Jose Reyes' hamstring? Fortunately we have the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest to fill those sport-free hours until the Phillies take to the field tonight. How can we turn gluttony into a sporting event? In-depth sports analysis, of course. Walking the dog and listening to Sports Radio this morning, I heard, "The keys to success in Competitive Eating are hand speed, jaw strength, and stomach capacity." And the guy was serious!

As a sports fan, I'm familiar with the buzzwords of in-depth analysis. "Peyton Manning is great because of his quick release and his ability to move around in the pocket." "Chase Utley's bat speed through the hitting zone and his lower body strength are the secret to his power." "Kobe Bryant's ability to change direction in mid-air makes his shot unblockable."

Now I know the key to consuming 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. I will never have quick release when throwing a football, bat speed through the hitting zone or the ability to change direction in mid-air, but I can rise to the heights of competitive eating by working on my hand speed, jaw strength, and stomach capacity. As of today, I'm in training for next year's Nathan's Contest. Since there are about eight hot dogs per pound, all I have to do is wolf down 8.5 pounds of wieners in ten minutes. It sounds daunting, but now I know the keys to success.