E.T., Archeologist

A recent article in The New Yorker debunked our widely-held belief that Neanderthals were knuckle-dragging subhumans. Neanderthal DNA is found among European and Asian homo sapiens DNA, but not that of Africans which must come as quite a shock to racists. More to the point, the original Neanderthal bones discovered in the 19th century may have been atypical. The hunched-over, ape-like skeletal structure that we assumed for "cavemen" may have been determined from a diseased Neanderthal.

Hey, it could happen even today. If Armageddon struck in 2011 and all earthly life was snuffed out, imagine a visit from extraterrestrials thousands of years in the future.

"E.T., you've been on this planet before, but you said it was crawling with human-like life forms."

"Yes, I was in what they called a "movie" until I was rescued. It's all changed now, barren and lifeless"

"Let's excavate at this "shopping center". You said that humans used to congregate here. Here's "Food 4 Less Discounted Groceries". There are a lot of human remains here."

"Oh my, their skeletal structures indicate that they are invariably obese. Those skin remnants have curious ink markings. Many are missing teeth. Those clothing fragments were stretched to the maximum when those poor humans wore them. This is not the way I remember earth humans. Maybe all those years of consuming Reese's Pieces finally left their mark."

"Let's excavate over here at "Whole Foods" to confirm our original findings."

"This is more like what I remember. The skeletal structures here supported slender, erect bodies. Those ink markings appear on more discreet patches of skin. The teeth are numerous and straight. Their clothing must have been organic because it's all gone unlike the indestructible polyester at the other site."

"E.T., what are we to report? Were Earthlings obese, tattooed, toothless beings or slender dashing creatures much like ourselves?"

"I thought that earthlings resembled Angelina Jolie more than Roseanne Barr, but it's been a while and my memory isn't what it used to be. Let's go with the obese, tattooed, toothless concept. That way we can feel better about ourselves. Whoa, look what we dug up at the Harley-Davidson dealer. Oh yeah, it's definitely the first option."