Pickle Tech

News Item - "When Wendy's decided to remake its 42 year old hamburger (You'd think it would have sold by now. Of course, it's been stale since the Nixon Administration), the chain agonized over every detail. A pickle chemist was consulted. Customers were quizzed on their lettuce knowledge. And executives went on a cross-country burger-eating tour."

This item should be framed and posted in high school Guidance Counselors' offices nationwide along with the classic "Pursue your passion and you'll never 'work' a day in your life." September is the busy season for Guidance Counselors. Seniors must decide their futures. Do they go to college? What do they study there? How about vocational training? Is the military the right choice? Many kids have no idea.

Guidance Counselors can now point to the Wendy's article. "Do you like hamburgers, Josh? Have you ever wondered about the chemistry involved in pickle-making? If you can taste the difference between a kosher dill and a sweet gherkin on an all-beef patty, there's a future for you in the Fast Food Industry. Let's see if you qualify for the Pickle Technology curriculum at the local Community College. "

"Uh-oh, you failed Chemistry last year. Pickle Tech is out. But you still like those burgers, don't you? And you want to 'help people'. Let us (forgive the pun) look into Lettuce Education at State U. Most Americans can't tell the difference between a bibb and an arugula. The Wendy's survey proved that. You can help raise our Lettuce IQ. The USA may rank below Malaysia, Finland, and Togo in math and science, but with your help we will stomp those foreigners in the next Vegetable Olympics."

"Whoops, you don't like green stuff on your burger. Lettuce Ed. won't work then. The Wendy's article lists one final opportunity. Why not become an executive and spend your time on a cross-country burger-eating tour? It's a tough job, but someone has got to do it. Study Business Admin. in college, carefully avert blame while taking credit as you rise through the corporate ranks, dress the same way as the higher-ups, get an executive-style haircut, and you can spend your well-compensated executive career on a burger-eating road trip."

"You like that one, Josh? I thought you would."