What's On the Radio?

"Music hath charms to sooth the savage breast", but it will cost you, $309 in fact.

Patrons of the Lopatcong, NJ swimming pool enjoyed music played over the radio this past summer. When the American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers got wind of this, they mailed a bill to the Township Supervisors to cover "copyright law". The $309 is the minimum for a Local Government Entity Base License Fee. The fee can go as high as $61,652 depending on population. If the swimming pools and playgrounds of Tokyo, Mexico City or Calcutta want American music, we can balance the trade deficit. Send us oil. We'll send you Lady Gaga's Greatest Hits.

Township Supervisors were understandably up in arms. "We will play the radio in the Municipal Building and everywhere else in the township to get our $309 worth."

But there's radio and there's radio. Which station should the various arms of the township be tuned in to? The Public Works Department has a reputation for lethargy. "The tree leafs from last autumn are still on my street and this year's have started falling." Tune that Vacuum Truck radio to the Punk Rock station. A little "Hey Ho, Let's Go" by the Ramones and those streets will be cleared in no time.

The Police have trouble clearing the town square of gathered youth on weekend nights. Rather than wading in with threats and nightsticks, the gendarmes can remain in their cruiser and disperse the crowd by blasting the Easy Listening Station on their loudspeaker. "That was the 1,001 Strings with their version of Theme From a Summer Place. Next up, the Mantovani Orchestra with Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White." That teen rabble will flee immediately.

We can't forget the fine folks at the Senior Citizens' Center. What better ammunition for their diatribes about "the damn government" than the sound system tuned in to Conservative Talk Radio. "This is Rush Limbaugh. The Lamestream Media doesn't want you to know this but not only does Obamacare include Death Panels but anyone accepting Social Security COLAs is put on top of the Death Panel List even if they're not sick." Attendance at the Senior Citizens Center is sure to increase. Pinochle Tournaments and Quilting Bees don't give the thrill of of Limbaugh rant.

Conversely, you don't want to rile up the inmates at the Township Prison. Its sound system should be tuned to NPR. "Next on Fresh Air, an interview with the author of the latest best seller about adorable puppies followed by a BBC newscast." Lethargy will descend on those hardened criminals.

Considering the benefits, that might be the best $309 the Township can spend.