Commissioner Butch

News Item - Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig will be offered a two year contract extension. Selig, age 77, had previously planned to retire in 2012. He currently earns more than $22 million per year and has use of a private jet.

Let's analyze this shocking news in detail:

1. A 77 year old man is still known as "Bud". I stopped going by "Skip" in grade school because I was getting mocked on the playground and beaten up. Mr Selig's given name is Alan which is not so horrible. If his parents had stuck him with Clarence or Aloysius, I could see it, but nowadays "Bud" is reserved for pet Golden Retrievers or beer, not 77 year old men.

2. Bud's salary is about the same as that of Alex Rodriguez and Albert Pujols. A-Rod has a shot at the all-time home run record. Albert has more homers and RBIs than anyone over the past ten years. Still, their salaries are considered scandalous. "If A-Rod has 500 at-bats this year, he will be paid $40,000 every time he comes to the plate. If Albert hits 40 home runs this year, the Angels will be paying him $500,000 per round-tripper. The world is coming to an end!" On the other hand, Alex and Albert possess skills that the rest of us can only dream about and are being paid what the market will bear. About all that Bud Selig has to do is get up in the morning and have a bad haircut. I could handle that even at age 77.

3. Several baseball superstars have contract clauses ensuring that they get a personal hotel suite on road trips. Again, this is considered scandalous. Wait until they hear about Selig's private jet. "OK, Phillies, I'll sign a contract with you if you give me not only a personal suite on the road, but throw in a private jet. Hey, the Commissioner gets one. And, by the way, the team picks up the tab for whatever I take from the minibar."

Soon, American kids will take to the sandlots dreaming of developing into major league baseball players. Fame, fortune, and personal hotel suites await the fortunate few. Smarter American kids will take sports management courses and work on their schmoozing skills dreaming of being the next baseball commissioner. There is not so much fame, but plenty of fortune not to mention hotel suites and that private jet.

The only down side is having to go by an accessible nickname. "Bud" is already taken, so I'd recommend "Butch".