Non-Threatening Boy

In "The Simpsons", Lisa subscribes to "Non-Threatening Boy", a fanzine for tween girls. When pop culture threatens the morality of teen and tween girls, society invariably comes up with a wholesome alternative.

Elvis had those suggestive swiveling hips, that greasy pompadour, and that come-hither sneer. Bursting onto the scene just in time to give "good girls" someone to swoon over was Pat Boone.

The early Beatles were cute and cuddly and just wanted "to hold your hand". No wholesome competition was necessary at first. Then came those scraggly Rolling Stones and the Beatles went all weird with "Sgt Pepper" and that Mahareshi stuff. Riding to the rescue of morality were the Dave Clark Five, Gerry & The Pacemakers, Peter & Gordon and the clean-cut British Invasion. "I like that new British music. I prefer "Ferry Across the Mersey" to "Sympathy for the Devil", but I'm still cool."

When Tipper Gore finally figured out what those rap lyrics meant and her campaign to place an "R-rating" on music failed, it was time for the 'N Sync and New Kids on the Block to provide a white bread alternate to rap. "I don't really know enough to choose between Tupac and Biggie, but Justin Timberlake from 'N Sync is much cuter than Jordan Knight from NKOTB." Then Disney got in the act and raised wholesomeness to stratospheric heights with the Jonas Brothers.

"Non-threatening" may pay off in the short run, but it is a bad idea to get rid of your "bad boy" records at the next garage sale. Elvis (especially young, rebellious Elvis) is still popular today while no one can remember any of Pat Boone's Greatest Hits. Beatles and Rolling Stones CDs continue to sell while Dave Clark Five stuff sits in the Bargain Bin. Music historians will be writing about Tupac twenty years from now when NKOTB is playing before sparse crowds at senior citizens centers.

Thus has it ever been. If we are to believe "Amadeus", Salieri was the toast of 18th century Vienna, but it is Mozart who is still beloved 200 years later.

Bad boy music rules.