The lot of a substitute teacher is not a happy one. The simple act of reading the class roll is a challenge. We students in the multi-ethnic Scranton school system fifty years ago would guffaw as substitutes would stumble over our surnames. We had the consonant-rich Gryzywacz, the vowel-abundant Ciesielski, and the exotic Giglio in our midst. Try pronouncing those without coaching.
Our Christian names were seldom a challenge back in the day. Everyone was Joey, Jimmy, Billy, or Mary (fill in the blank, Ann? Elizabeth? Frances?). The Diocese of Scranton wouild not baptize a Dylan, Tyler, or Tiffany. Who ever heard of Saint Britney anyway? Our substitute teachers could always fall back on "Joey G-r-z? Oh the heck with it. Is Joey G present?"
Ethnic surnames remain here in the 21st century and substitute teachers the additional challenge of creative spelling on modern first names. Kaleigh, Caley, Cailey, and KayLee come to mind. Now there is a new trend and it may simplify substitute teachers' lives. Parents are naming their children after sports heroes.
The Upper Nazareth Clippers junior pee-wee football team was honored with a captioned photo in a recent newspaper sports section. Honorees included a Peyton (no doubt named for Colts QB Peyton Manning) and two Chases (likely honoring Phillies 2nd baseman Chase Utley). Now there are a couple of names that anyone (even a newby substitute teacher) can read and pronounce. If the Giants win this year's Super Bowl, we can count on a few Elis coming up through the ranks in ten years or so.
Why didn't this trend begin back in the 1950s (other than the whole Diocese of Scranton thing)? The Colts quarterbacks back then were Johnny Unitas and Earl Morral. The Phillies 2nd basemen of that era were Solly Hemus, Granny Hamner, and Sparky Anderson. A parent, Colts fan or not, might choose Johnny as the name for his bouncing baby boy, but one would have to be a real fan to name one's offspring Earl. Even the most avid Phillies fan would hesitate to stick his child with the name Solly, Granny, or Sparky.
Help is on the way, substitute teachers. As long as our sports heroes have easy-to-pronounce first names, those attendance rolls will be easier to read in the future. By the way, Grzywacz is pronounced "Guh-vatch".
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