You can take the boy out of the Army, but you can't take the Army out of the boy. Every morning for the past 40 years, I make my bed as soon as I depart it. The trauma of having my old Drill Instructor screaming and spraying spittle in my face because my bunk failed the bouncing coin test lives on.
Now, bedsheets and blanket must be tucked in superlatively tight for the D.I.'s coin to properly bounce on them. These civilian sheets require daily tightening which is a problem due to the presence of that scourge, the dust ruffle. Extending from the mattress to the floor, it invariably becomes scrunched up in the sheet tightening process leading to re-lifting of the mattress, loosening of the sheets and here we go again. Frustration sets in and frustrated is no way to begin the day.
What is the purpose of the dust ruffle anyway? It doesn't prevent those dust bunnies from gathering beneath the bed. In fact, by blocking them from view, it probably allows them to have wild dust bunny parties and you know how that turns out - baby dust bunnies.
It doesn't allay children's fears of night-time monsters beneath the bed. What child will lift the ruffle for fear of disturbing a monster? It is much more reassuring to peek beneath a ruffle-free bed and see the remnants of disassembled toys and games. "So that's where my Chutes and Ladders game pieces are! I can sleep soundly now."
The dust ruffle serves no purpose other than decoration and complicating the bed-making process. The Army isn't very big on domestic decoration, but it is noted for making the simplest tasks even more difficult. Perhaps the military should require dust ruffles on Army bunks. It would give Drill Instructors another reason to browbeat recruits and that is never a bad thing,
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Competition
The commercial began, "The Most Famous Fairy in the World embarks on a new adventure. See it on a brand new Disney DVD, Tinker Bell... "
I missed the rest of the title. It might have been "Tinker Bell - Fully Loaded" or was that Herbie and Lindsay Lohan after a night of partying..
You've got to admit that The Most Famous Fairy in the World is an ear-catching phrase and certainly one with several meanings. Thinking only of the magical sort of fairy though, is it really the honor that it seems? After all, where's the competition? Can you name another fairy, famous or obscure?
Back in the 70s, I had boarded a flight in Denver bound for Houston. Our departure was delayed by the grand entrance of a young lady and her entourage. She was wearing a tiara and a sash that proclaimed her "Miss Teen Age - Wyoming". Apparently, she was bound for the Miss Teen Age USA Pageant. She was a nice enough looking girl, I guess, but my thought at the time was "How tough can it be to become Miss Teen Age - Wyoming?"
The state has a population of about 300,000 which is not that much greater than that of the Lehigh Valley. Becoming Miss Teen Age - Wyoming is about as tough as attaining the title of Prom Queen at Parkland High School. And this rates a tiara, sash, and delaying the plane to Houston?
A note to Tinker Bell and Miss Teen Age - Wyoming: Congratulations on your fame, but don't get a big head. The competition may be tougher next time.
I missed the rest of the title. It might have been "Tinker Bell - Fully Loaded" or was that Herbie and Lindsay Lohan after a night of partying..
You've got to admit that The Most Famous Fairy in the World is an ear-catching phrase and certainly one with several meanings. Thinking only of the magical sort of fairy though, is it really the honor that it seems? After all, where's the competition? Can you name another fairy, famous or obscure?
Back in the 70s, I had boarded a flight in Denver bound for Houston. Our departure was delayed by the grand entrance of a young lady and her entourage. She was wearing a tiara and a sash that proclaimed her "Miss Teen Age - Wyoming". Apparently, she was bound for the Miss Teen Age USA Pageant. She was a nice enough looking girl, I guess, but my thought at the time was "How tough can it be to become Miss Teen Age - Wyoming?"
The state has a population of about 300,000 which is not that much greater than that of the Lehigh Valley. Becoming Miss Teen Age - Wyoming is about as tough as attaining the title of Prom Queen at Parkland High School. And this rates a tiara, sash, and delaying the plane to Houston?
A note to Tinker Bell and Miss Teen Age - Wyoming: Congratulations on your fame, but don't get a big head. The competition may be tougher next time.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
High School Mania
The Saturday sports section carries high school football scores from all of Pennsylvania. Most of the high school names are derived from towns (Hershey, Gettysburg), geography (Mid-Valley, Blue Mountain), or historical figures (George Washington, Thomas Jefferson), but some are unique and raise the following questions:.
Which team would Jesus root for when Bethlehem Catholic (his birthplace) plays Nazareth (where he grew up)?
Is there always a cloud of steam over the playing field at Boiling Springs High?
What is the school color at Plum High School?
Are the players at Mars High "little green men"?
Does Communications Tech use satellite phones to send signals to the huddle?
Did Imhotep Charter get said charter from an Egyptian pharaoh?
Is the High School Of The Future (an actual school in Philly) able to foresee what defense the opposing team will use?
Do its opponents use Desenex to combat Turkey Foot High athletes?
Inquiring minds want to know!
Which team would Jesus root for when Bethlehem Catholic (his birthplace) plays Nazareth (where he grew up)?
Is there always a cloud of steam over the playing field at Boiling Springs High?
What is the school color at Plum High School?
Are the players at Mars High "little green men"?
Does Communications Tech use satellite phones to send signals to the huddle?
Did Imhotep Charter get said charter from an Egyptian pharaoh?
Is the High School Of The Future (an actual school in Philly) able to foresee what defense the opposing team will use?
Do its opponents use Desenex to combat Turkey Foot High athletes?
Inquiring minds want to know!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Frillies
Today's front page of that paragon of journalistic excellence, the NY Daily News carries the headline "Here Come The Frillies" with an obviously photoshopped shot of Shane Victorino wearing a pleated cheerleader-type skirt below his Phillies jersey. Shane has shapely calves, but that is beside the point.
The point is that this year's series pits the most successful sports franchise of all time, the Yankees with their 26 championships, against arguably the least successful, our Fightin' Phils with a mere three not to mention an all-time record 10,000+ loses in 127 years. And New York fans need a sophomoric headline and doctored photo to fire them up? This is like Sauron inspiring his orcs to battle with a picture of Frodo in jockey shorts.
Get a clue, Yankee fans! You don't need psychological help to overcome your poor cousins from down the Jersey Turnpike. Your payroll matches the GDP of some Central American countries. George Costanza no longer works in your front office. You are the proverbial sure thing.
Of course, things worked out for Frodo, so you never know.
The point is that this year's series pits the most successful sports franchise of all time, the Yankees with their 26 championships, against arguably the least successful, our Fightin' Phils with a mere three not to mention an all-time record 10,000+ loses in 127 years. And New York fans need a sophomoric headline and doctored photo to fire them up? This is like Sauron inspiring his orcs to battle with a picture of Frodo in jockey shorts.
Get a clue, Yankee fans! You don't need psychological help to overcome your poor cousins from down the Jersey Turnpike. Your payroll matches the GDP of some Central American countries. George Costanza no longer works in your front office. You are the proverbial sure thing.
Of course, things worked out for Frodo, so you never know.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Bears!
There are headlines that chill the soul and revive the fears of our youth. "Razor Blades Found in Halloween Treats", if true, would be an example. "Machete-Wielding Psychopath At Large Near Remote Summer Camp" is another. "President Born Outside US, Programmed By Terrorists" is a recent addition to the list.
An actual headline from last week read, "Russian Ice-Skating Bear Kills Trainer". The story continues. "The director of a circus arena said an ice-skating bear turned on its trainers, killing one and seriously wounding another as they were rehearsing a show in Bishkek, Kyrgystan."
Most readers would skip past this story on their way to the latest update on the Taylor Swift / Kanye West brouhaha, but for anyone who was in the US military forty years ago, this story brings validation. "OMG, my drill sergeant was right. The Russkies really did have a secret weapon - ice-skating bears!"
In those days, whatever we did, the Russians did better or so we were told. "You think that running a mile in full CBR gear trying to breathe through a gas mask is tough? The Russians run five miles every day for a month!" "You think it's tough digging a foxhole in frozen ground? The Russians do it with their bare hands!"
Beyond toughness, the Russians had it all over us in military technology back then, Russian-built tanks and jets really did a job on us in Korea. Sputnik would lead to satellites raining destruction on Main Street USA from space. And God only knows what "secret weapons" they were developing.
We returned to our barracks each night feeling that we had to train even harder the next day to keep up with the Russians. Of course, it might all be in vain if they developed a really good secret weapon. It took a while, but finally they have it. Imagine the terror as an American infantryman faces a snarling, massive Russian bear racing toward him on skates across the frozen tundra.
"I'll do two miles in my gas mask and dig that foxhole with my bare toes, Sarge. Just keep me away from those ice-skating bears."
An actual headline from last week read, "Russian Ice-Skating Bear Kills Trainer". The story continues. "The director of a circus arena said an ice-skating bear turned on its trainers, killing one and seriously wounding another as they were rehearsing a show in Bishkek, Kyrgystan."
Most readers would skip past this story on their way to the latest update on the Taylor Swift / Kanye West brouhaha, but for anyone who was in the US military forty years ago, this story brings validation. "OMG, my drill sergeant was right. The Russkies really did have a secret weapon - ice-skating bears!"
In those days, whatever we did, the Russians did better or so we were told. "You think that running a mile in full CBR gear trying to breathe through a gas mask is tough? The Russians run five miles every day for a month!" "You think it's tough digging a foxhole in frozen ground? The Russians do it with their bare hands!"
Beyond toughness, the Russians had it all over us in military technology back then, Russian-built tanks and jets really did a job on us in Korea. Sputnik would lead to satellites raining destruction on Main Street USA from space. And God only knows what "secret weapons" they were developing.
We returned to our barracks each night feeling that we had to train even harder the next day to keep up with the Russians. Of course, it might all be in vain if they developed a really good secret weapon. It took a while, but finally they have it. Imagine the terror as an American infantryman faces a snarling, massive Russian bear racing toward him on skates across the frozen tundra.
"I'll do two miles in my gas mask and dig that foxhole with my bare toes, Sarge. Just keep me away from those ice-skating bears."
Friday, October 23, 2009
Helmets
Nobody looks good in a bicycle helmet.
It's not so much the strips in contrasting color that run from forehead on back and resemble a weasel. The problem is with the overall shape of the thing. A bicycle helmet resembles an overturned gravy boat. That funky "spout" on its back dates back to the Los Angeles Olympics in '84. Since the Soviet Bloc countries were boycotting those Games, the good old USA! USA! for the first time in forever garnered medals in cycling. Television covered the sport extensively. Breathless commentators credited that success in part to the advanced aerodynamic properties of our cyclists' helmets. The wind whooshing past the "gravy boat spout" created "lift" just like an airplane wing.
Now, "lift" may be beneficial at 40 mph on an Olympic cycling track, but it probably isn't much help to little Tiffany at 5 mph on the family driveway. Wouldn't those photos of Tiff on her Disney Princess Huffy be much cooler if instead of the inverted gravy boat on her head, she took a page from "Easy Rider" and went with the Peter Fonda hair-flowing-unencumbered-in-the-breeze look or the Dennis Hopper Australian-digger-hat, or even the Jack Nicholson 50s-era- Army-football-helmet? The Hells Angels bandana or German Army helmet thing might be a bit much for this year's Christmas card photo though.
Parents, beware. Some day, Tiffany will see that photo of the overturned gravy boat on her head and "die of embarrassment".
It's not so much the strips in contrasting color that run from forehead on back and resemble a weasel. The problem is with the overall shape of the thing. A bicycle helmet resembles an overturned gravy boat. That funky "spout" on its back dates back to the Los Angeles Olympics in '84. Since the Soviet Bloc countries were boycotting those Games, the good old USA! USA! for the first time in forever garnered medals in cycling. Television covered the sport extensively. Breathless commentators credited that success in part to the advanced aerodynamic properties of our cyclists' helmets. The wind whooshing past the "gravy boat spout" created "lift" just like an airplane wing.
Now, "lift" may be beneficial at 40 mph on an Olympic cycling track, but it probably isn't much help to little Tiffany at 5 mph on the family driveway. Wouldn't those photos of Tiff on her Disney Princess Huffy be much cooler if instead of the inverted gravy boat on her head, she took a page from "Easy Rider" and went with the Peter Fonda hair-flowing-unencumbered-in-the-breeze look or the Dennis Hopper Australian-digger-hat, or even the Jack Nicholson 50s-era- Army-football-helmet? The Hells Angels bandana or German Army helmet thing might be a bit much for this year's Christmas card photo though.
Parents, beware. Some day, Tiffany will see that photo of the overturned gravy boat on her head and "die of embarrassment".
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Sweaters
Autumn is the season of romance. Take an informal poll, and you are nearly certain to find that a high percentage of the world's precious supply of lasting relationships dates to the fall. Most people attribute this phenomenon to leaves falling, school starting and fireplaces being lit. The real reason is simpler. The real reason is sweaters. Everyone looks better in sweaters.
Sweaters conceal those body flaws that tank tops, camisoles, and tee shirts reveal. That "roll" at waist level may not be unsightly flab but merely a bunching up of fabric. Sweaters' color and pattern make the short person tall and the chubby person svelte. The vee-neck sweater broadens the shoulders and narrows the waist. The cardigan sweater brings that Mister Rogers air of geniality to the wearer. Job seekers should be advised to don a proper cardigan for that initial interview instead of an ill-fitting, obviously I don't normally wear this sort of thing, business suit.
Why, then, are sweaters not more popular? The problem is with the name. "Sweat-er" implies unsightly, malodorous perspiration. Why wear a garment that may cause those horrible half-moons beneath the armpits and cause the other folks in the elevator to hold their breath and get off a floor early? That's obviously not the case, but why take a chance?
Sweaters should be re-christened "Thinners". Other than certain parts of the Third World, everyone wants to look thinner. Sales will skyrocket.
Sweaters conceal those body flaws that tank tops, camisoles, and tee shirts reveal. That "roll" at waist level may not be unsightly flab but merely a bunching up of fabric. Sweaters' color and pattern make the short person tall and the chubby person svelte. The vee-neck sweater broadens the shoulders and narrows the waist. The cardigan sweater brings that Mister Rogers air of geniality to the wearer. Job seekers should be advised to don a proper cardigan for that initial interview instead of an ill-fitting, obviously I don't normally wear this sort of thing, business suit.
Why, then, are sweaters not more popular? The problem is with the name. "Sweat-er" implies unsightly, malodorous perspiration. Why wear a garment that may cause those horrible half-moons beneath the armpits and cause the other folks in the elevator to hold their breath and get off a floor early? That's obviously not the case, but why take a chance?
Sweaters should be re-christened "Thinners". Other than certain parts of the Third World, everyone wants to look thinner. Sales will skyrocket.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Constructive and Productive
After the alcohol-related death of an undergraduate, Penn State University officials are seeking ways to combat binge drinking. They are publicizing the dangers of alcohol abuse and suspending fraternities that provide booze. These are the standard remedies.
In a unique move, the University plans to offer more Friday classes "to fill students' time with constructive, productive learning activities." One imagines that until now only Monday through Thursday classes were constructive and productive. That'll do it! "I'd really like to play beer pong until I barf my guts up this Friday, but that Economics 101 lecture is so constructive and productive that I don't want to miss it. We're going over the elasticity of demand with price. Will those curves ever intersect?"
Alcohol abuse has caused untold death, destruction, and heartbreak. Use of alcohol should never be encouraged. One wonders why advertising of beer and liquor is allowed.
Still, I think back to my days testing an oxygen system at East St Louis Castings. ESLC manufactured cast iron sewer pipe. Molten iron at more than 2000 degrees was poured into centrifugal casters that spun it into pipe. The temperature on the work floor exceeded 100 degrees. The air was filthy with black dust. The noise level was so high that we communicated by writing on white boards. There was a bar across from the plant entrance. The incoming shift would gather at the bar, down as many beers as they could afford, and then head into what was close to Hell on Earth. What with the heat, they'd sober up in a half hour.
This was one of the very few cases where alcohol consumption allowed constructive and productive activity. You had to be half lit to walk through that plant gate. Presumably, Penn State's proposed Friday classes won't be that bad.
In a unique move, the University plans to offer more Friday classes "to fill students' time with constructive, productive learning activities." One imagines that until now only Monday through Thursday classes were constructive and productive. That'll do it! "I'd really like to play beer pong until I barf my guts up this Friday, but that Economics 101 lecture is so constructive and productive that I don't want to miss it. We're going over the elasticity of demand with price. Will those curves ever intersect?"
Alcohol abuse has caused untold death, destruction, and heartbreak. Use of alcohol should never be encouraged. One wonders why advertising of beer and liquor is allowed.
Still, I think back to my days testing an oxygen system at East St Louis Castings. ESLC manufactured cast iron sewer pipe. Molten iron at more than 2000 degrees was poured into centrifugal casters that spun it into pipe. The temperature on the work floor exceeded 100 degrees. The air was filthy with black dust. The noise level was so high that we communicated by writing on white boards. There was a bar across from the plant entrance. The incoming shift would gather at the bar, down as many beers as they could afford, and then head into what was close to Hell on Earth. What with the heat, they'd sober up in a half hour.
This was one of the very few cases where alcohol consumption allowed constructive and productive activity. You had to be half lit to walk through that plant gate. Presumably, Penn State's proposed Friday classes won't be that bad.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Pensioner
Having achieved the requisite age though not the accompanying wisdom for Social Security eligibility, I fired up the trusty laptop and applied on-line for benefits.
As promised, the process was painless and efficient. It began with Privacy and Anti-Fraud Statements. These consisted of the standard legal folderol. For the momentous act of officially becoming a pensioner, I expected to see something like:
"By signing this document and claiming eligibility for Social Security benefits, I hereby promise to:
Drive slowly in the passing lane with my turn signal on at all times
Complain about "the gov-a-mint".
Make a fashion statement by pairing dress socks with sandals
Wear my pants either well above my waist or well below my hips
Purchase the "Matlock - Season 1" DVD then complain that it doesn't fit in my VCR
Write angry "Letters to the Editor" regarding any tax increase while en-route to the local casino"
Now, that is a statement worthy of the "I Agree" tab!
As promised, the process was painless and efficient. It began with Privacy and Anti-Fraud Statements. These consisted of the standard legal folderol. For the momentous act of officially becoming a pensioner, I expected to see something like:
"By signing this document and claiming eligibility for Social Security benefits, I hereby promise to:
Drive slowly in the passing lane with my turn signal on at all times
Complain about "the gov-a-mint".
Make a fashion statement by pairing dress socks with sandals
Wear my pants either well above my waist or well below my hips
Purchase the "Matlock - Season 1" DVD then complain that it doesn't fit in my VCR
Write angry "Letters to the Editor" regarding any tax increase while en-route to the local casino"
Now, that is a statement worthy of the "I Agree" tab!
Friday, October 16, 2009
The Fungus Among Us
Sports Radio commercials offer products to relieve modern man's greatest fears.
Getting a little "thin on top"? Hair replacement surgery, products, or toupees are advertised around the "20 - 20 Sports Updates".
Having trouble "performing"? Brand name E.D. pills can be delivered to your door "in a plain paper wrapper" or picked-up at Fed Ex if you want to surprise the wife (or if you've got something on the side that you don't want to wife to know about). Better yet, that embarrassing "talk with your doctor" can be avoided. These mail order outfits have "medical professionals" who will clear you for whoopie based on a phone call. The phone lines to Mumbai must be ringing off the hook. "Rajiv, are we doctors or computer experts today?"
The standard array of automotive and handyman products are advertised as well.
Yesterday, I heard a new one - Laser treatment for toenail fungus. The commercial is a dramatized "intervention" wherein Bob's friends and family inform him that his unsightly toenails are damaging his social standing and instilling fear in small children. The microlaser zaps the fungus and only the fungus which is reassuring for those of us who remember Luke Skywalker's hand being sliced off by a laser light sword in the first Star Wars movie. "Sorry, Luke! I was only trying to eliminate that unsightly fingernail fungus."
Call me squeamish, but I'd never zap my toenails. The laser literally burns what it touches and the odor of burning finger or toe nails is a phobia from my past. Part of the hazing procedure for first-year Boy Scout campers was to ignite a small tin can full of nail clippings and tie closed the kids' tent flaps while they slept. Retching would inevitably ensue. I could handle the cherry bomb down the latrine stack and even the finger dipping into warm water to instigate nocturnal urination, but the smell of burning keratin brings up the bile every time.
Just clear the room of small children when I take off my shoes and socks.
Getting a little "thin on top"? Hair replacement surgery, products, or toupees are advertised around the "20 - 20 Sports Updates".
Having trouble "performing"? Brand name E.D. pills can be delivered to your door "in a plain paper wrapper" or picked-up at Fed Ex if you want to surprise the wife (or if you've got something on the side that you don't want to wife to know about). Better yet, that embarrassing "talk with your doctor" can be avoided. These mail order outfits have "medical professionals" who will clear you for whoopie based on a phone call. The phone lines to Mumbai must be ringing off the hook. "Rajiv, are we doctors or computer experts today?"
The standard array of automotive and handyman products are advertised as well.
Yesterday, I heard a new one - Laser treatment for toenail fungus. The commercial is a dramatized "intervention" wherein Bob's friends and family inform him that his unsightly toenails are damaging his social standing and instilling fear in small children. The microlaser zaps the fungus and only the fungus which is reassuring for those of us who remember Luke Skywalker's hand being sliced off by a laser light sword in the first Star Wars movie. "Sorry, Luke! I was only trying to eliminate that unsightly fingernail fungus."
Call me squeamish, but I'd never zap my toenails. The laser literally burns what it touches and the odor of burning finger or toe nails is a phobia from my past. Part of the hazing procedure for first-year Boy Scout campers was to ignite a small tin can full of nail clippings and tie closed the kids' tent flaps while they slept. Retching would inevitably ensue. I could handle the cherry bomb down the latrine stack and even the finger dipping into warm water to instigate nocturnal urination, but the smell of burning keratin brings up the bile every time.
Just clear the room of small children when I take off my shoes and socks.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Nepotism
Nepotism is definitely a bad thing, unless, of course, it involves my family. The Mini Page in today's newspaper invites us to get to know Frankie Jonas. Frankie, age 9, is the voice of Sosuke in the Disney movie "Ponyo", According to the article, "He enjoys playing football" and "He has his own band, Hollywood Shakeup." There are approximately 4 million nine year olds in America. Quite a few of them probably enjoy playing football which is apparently a prerequisite for getting a voice-over role in a movie. But Frankie might be the only nine year old who fronts his own band. How can that be? I mean, Michael Jackson and Little Stevie Wonder were twelve before they hit the big time. The article continues, "Frankie is the brother of the famed actors and musicians, the Jonas Brothers." That explains it, but Frankie should be aware of the sordid history of Disney-related nepotism. When Donald Duck was riding high, Disney thrust Donald's "nephews" Huey, Dewey, and Louie into the public eye. They achieved some success cavorting with Uncle Scrooge McDuck, but when they hit puberty and were no longer "cute", their careers nose-dived. Rumor has it that Huey joined a cult, Dewey parties with Lindsay Lohan, and Louie posed feather-less for an obscene Federal Duck Stamp. At least, Huey, Dewey, and Louie had some talent. Even the Disney Star-Making Machine couldn't bring fame to Mickey Mouse's "nephews" Mortie and Ferdie. A few appearances in obscure comics and that was it for the obscure rodents. Insiders report that Disney's retention of the Duck triplets and abandonment of the Mouse twins was the true cause of the Donald / Mickey split immortalized in the "Mickey Mouse Club" theme song.
Beware, Frankie. Sure, it's great to have your own band at age 9, but fame will chew you up and spit you out.
Beware, Frankie. Sure, it's great to have your own band at age 9, but fame will chew you up and spit you out.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Disney Princess Flu
A poll released last week found that 38% of parents were unlikely to give permission for their children to be vaccinated against swine flu at school.
Have those parents really thought this thing through? Let the School Nurse put up with the tantrum when little Josh or Tiffany faces that monster hypodermic. Let the teacher handle the tears and acting out afterwards. This is why we pay those school taxes.
The problem is with the name, swine flu. Other than Porky Pig (and he had his own set of problems what with the stuttering and all), has there ever been a pig that inspires the warm and fuzzies? Any flu associated with swine scares both kids and parents. Now, if they had named it Disney Princess Flu or Transformer Flu, kids would demand immediate inoculation.
Parents remain to be convinced and it's not easy. I work at the local Food Bank. When swine flu first became known last spring, several clients refused hot dogs because they contained pork and "better safe than sorry". I explained that USDA approved hot dogs are thoroughly cooked and contain more preservatives than Hugh Hefner. Flu or any other germs don't stand a chance. It didn't work.
All is not lost. Kids today get what they want regardless of whether it is good for them. The "Transformers" movie remains the highest-grossing flick of 2009 and it's not as if a whole lot of parents thought that it was worth coughing up $8 for little Josh to see it. The Center for Disease Control needs to re-christen swine flu as Disney Princess or Transformers Flu and the epidemic will be halted in its tracks.
Have those parents really thought this thing through? Let the School Nurse put up with the tantrum when little Josh or Tiffany faces that monster hypodermic. Let the teacher handle the tears and acting out afterwards. This is why we pay those school taxes.
The problem is with the name, swine flu. Other than Porky Pig (and he had his own set of problems what with the stuttering and all), has there ever been a pig that inspires the warm and fuzzies? Any flu associated with swine scares both kids and parents. Now, if they had named it Disney Princess Flu or Transformer Flu, kids would demand immediate inoculation.
Parents remain to be convinced and it's not easy. I work at the local Food Bank. When swine flu first became known last spring, several clients refused hot dogs because they contained pork and "better safe than sorry". I explained that USDA approved hot dogs are thoroughly cooked and contain more preservatives than Hugh Hefner. Flu or any other germs don't stand a chance. It didn't work.
All is not lost. Kids today get what they want regardless of whether it is good for them. The "Transformers" movie remains the highest-grossing flick of 2009 and it's not as if a whole lot of parents thought that it was worth coughing up $8 for little Josh to see it. The Center for Disease Control needs to re-christen swine flu as Disney Princess or Transformers Flu and the epidemic will be halted in its tracks.
Friday, October 9, 2009
The European Way
It's not easy to follow in the footsteps of greatness. Frank Sinatra sold out the Hollywood Bowl. Frank Sinatra, Jr has trouble selling out the Holiday Inn. No one remembers who followed Abraham Lincoln as president, Michael Jordan as a Chicago Bull, or Joe Swift as Barbara Tucker's boyfriend. (Barbara was the Sandra Dee of Central High School circa 1964).
It's the American Way - Produce or Perish! What Have You Done For Me Lately!
Europeans take a different stance. France produced a King Louis XVIII times with declining results from the sainted IX to the megalomaniacal XIV to the headless XVI, vainly hoping to get it right. England produced a King Henry VIII times. Hey, Hank VIII can't be any worse than VII was, let's give it another shot.
It's the European Way - Let's encourage the New Guy. He's got to be better than his predecessor.
So we should not be surprised that Barack Obama is the 2009 recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. It's not as if Obama has ended the bloodshed in Iraq or Afghanistan, solved the Israeli - Palestinian conflict, or shut down Guantanamo. It is that he is not G.W. Bush. Those Europeans would probably vote the Nobel Peace Prize to US President Genghis Khan as long as he showed a willingness to talk to the rest of the world as opposed to invading it.
That's those zany Europeans for you - Giving an award on promise as opposed to results.
It's the American Way - Produce or Perish! What Have You Done For Me Lately!
Europeans take a different stance. France produced a King Louis XVIII times with declining results from the sainted IX to the megalomaniacal XIV to the headless XVI, vainly hoping to get it right. England produced a King Henry VIII times. Hey, Hank VIII can't be any worse than VII was, let's give it another shot.
It's the European Way - Let's encourage the New Guy. He's got to be better than his predecessor.
So we should not be surprised that Barack Obama is the 2009 recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. It's not as if Obama has ended the bloodshed in Iraq or Afghanistan, solved the Israeli - Palestinian conflict, or shut down Guantanamo. It is that he is not G.W. Bush. Those Europeans would probably vote the Nobel Peace Prize to US President Genghis Khan as long as he showed a willingness to talk to the rest of the world as opposed to invading it.
That's those zany Europeans for you - Giving an award on promise as opposed to results.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Rush the Ram
News Flash - Rush Limbaugh is purchasing a major ownership share in the National Football League's St Louis Rams.
What are the requirements to be an NFL owner and how does Mr Limbaugh fill the bill?
1. Incredible wealth. NFL teams are valued between $700 million and $1.1 billion depending on whether they own or lease their stadium, local broadcasting revenue, and sales of their Cheerleaders in Lingerie Calendar. Obviously, El Rushmo has several hundred million dollars of spare change jangling around his pocket. He will fit right in with the guy who founded Home Depot and owns the Atlanta Falcons and the guy who started Hardee's and owns the Carolina Panthers. He earned his largess the hard way, too!
2. Camera Awareness. TV broadcasts invariably show reaction shots from the Owner's Box at exciting moments during NFL games. While face-painted, team-colors-wearing fans exposed to the elements and juiced on $8 beer are high-fiving and going nuts in the background, the owners and their trophy wives / girlfriends politely applaud. El Rushmo can add to this excitement with his patented pause, throat clear, and paper-rattle. Hey, it's worked for years on radio.
3. Play Calling. Half the fun of owning a football team is occasionally calling a play. If it goes for a touchdown, it was all the owner's idea. If it fails, no one is the wiser. A coach who blames the owner will collect his next paycheck from Southeast Siberia State University. This may be a problem for El Rushmo. His political views will require that all formations be "strong right", that play calls be "conservative", and that the forward pass be eliminated. Two players sharing credit for a successful play is just so "socialist". It will be easy to discern which are Rush's plays.
What are the requirements to be an NFL owner and how does Mr Limbaugh fill the bill?
1. Incredible wealth. NFL teams are valued between $700 million and $1.1 billion depending on whether they own or lease their stadium, local broadcasting revenue, and sales of their Cheerleaders in Lingerie Calendar. Obviously, El Rushmo has several hundred million dollars of spare change jangling around his pocket. He will fit right in with the guy who founded Home Depot and owns the Atlanta Falcons and the guy who started Hardee's and owns the Carolina Panthers. He earned his largess the hard way, too!
2. Camera Awareness. TV broadcasts invariably show reaction shots from the Owner's Box at exciting moments during NFL games. While face-painted, team-colors-wearing fans exposed to the elements and juiced on $8 beer are high-fiving and going nuts in the background, the owners and their trophy wives / girlfriends politely applaud. El Rushmo can add to this excitement with his patented pause, throat clear, and paper-rattle. Hey, it's worked for years on radio.
3. Play Calling. Half the fun of owning a football team is occasionally calling a play. If it goes for a touchdown, it was all the owner's idea. If it fails, no one is the wiser. A coach who blames the owner will collect his next paycheck from Southeast Siberia State University. This may be a problem for El Rushmo. His political views will require that all formations be "strong right", that play calls be "conservative", and that the forward pass be eliminated. Two players sharing credit for a successful play is just so "socialist". It will be easy to discern which are Rush's plays.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Career Goal
Career goals have changed over the years.
When I was a teen, responses to "What do you want to be when you grow up?" ranged from "A Doctor. You get to help people, make lots of money, and nurses go crazy for you." to "A Trucker. You get to listen to Johnny Cash songs all day long, make lots of money, and Flo at the Diner goes crazy for you." Making lots of money and having an active social life were constants.
Career goals changed in the 80s. Suddenly, teens wanted to grow up to be CEOs. You still got to make lots of money (more on that later) and your social life would be unbelievable, trading in one trophy wife for another on a whim. After all, somewhere in the world, Donald Trump's next supermodel wife is being born.
The current issue of The New Yorker cites the salary and perks package received by Jack Welch, former CEO of General Electric as an example of why business schools are chock full of aspiring top dogs. Besides a $20 million annual salary, Jack received free lifetime use of a company Boeing 737 (in case he and 100 or so of his closest friends needed to hop to Hawaii), box seats for both the Red Sox and the Yankees (you never know which of the two will make the World Series), and exclusive use of a company-owned Manhattan apartment (it's so hard to find mid-town digs). Since $20 million doesn't buy what it used to, GE also threw in fresh flowers daily for the apartment, dry-cleaning, Internet service, tips for his doormen, and even free postage. You don't get these perks as a doctor or even as a trucker.
Of course, another standard career goal is "professional athlete." Granted, Derek Jeter makes $20 million per year and has dated Mariah Carey not to mention a few Miss Universes. Still, wise Guidance Counselors would recommend the CEO career path over that of athletics. Jack Welch and Donald Trump make as much money as Derek Jeter, but Jack doesn't have to stand in line at the Post Office and The Donald literally owns the Miss Universe Pageant.
Sign me up for Business School!
When I was a teen, responses to "What do you want to be when you grow up?" ranged from "A Doctor. You get to help people, make lots of money, and nurses go crazy for you." to "A Trucker. You get to listen to Johnny Cash songs all day long, make lots of money, and Flo at the Diner goes crazy for you." Making lots of money and having an active social life were constants.
Career goals changed in the 80s. Suddenly, teens wanted to grow up to be CEOs. You still got to make lots of money (more on that later) and your social life would be unbelievable, trading in one trophy wife for another on a whim. After all, somewhere in the world, Donald Trump's next supermodel wife is being born.
The current issue of The New Yorker cites the salary and perks package received by Jack Welch, former CEO of General Electric as an example of why business schools are chock full of aspiring top dogs. Besides a $20 million annual salary, Jack received free lifetime use of a company Boeing 737 (in case he and 100 or so of his closest friends needed to hop to Hawaii), box seats for both the Red Sox and the Yankees (you never know which of the two will make the World Series), and exclusive use of a company-owned Manhattan apartment (it's so hard to find mid-town digs). Since $20 million doesn't buy what it used to, GE also threw in fresh flowers daily for the apartment, dry-cleaning, Internet service, tips for his doormen, and even free postage. You don't get these perks as a doctor or even as a trucker.
Of course, another standard career goal is "professional athlete." Granted, Derek Jeter makes $20 million per year and has dated Mariah Carey not to mention a few Miss Universes. Still, wise Guidance Counselors would recommend the CEO career path over that of athletics. Jack Welch and Donald Trump make as much money as Derek Jeter, but Jack doesn't have to stand in line at the Post Office and The Donald literally owns the Miss Universe Pageant.
Sign me up for Business School!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
First Day of School
Yesterday was our doggie's First Day of (Obedience) School. He looked so cute waiting for the bus in his new outfit and backpack!
Just kidding! Actually, the anthropomorphism of the occasion was significant. Will our dog get along with his classmates? Will he be bullied? Which clique will he hang out with - the jocks, the nerds, the druggies? I actually worried about these things.
Petco hosted the Obedience School. What better environment to demand a canine's attention than one filled with toys, food, unfamiliar smells, people walking by, and, best of all, caged creatures to sniff and possibly eat? No distractions here.
Of course, the ultimate distraction was "our boy's" classmate, a yellow lab puppy. When they went at each other for the traditional butt sniff, discipline was swift and chilling. The instructor demanded "Sit" and "Stay" in his best Leader of the Pack command voice. Naturally, it didn't work. It was like insisting that the class derive the Pythagorean Theorem on the first day of geometry class. "Sorry, Leader of the Pack, you can't give the final exam before you've taught us the material."
The Instructor was wearing an official shirt with embroidered lettering reading "Dog Trainer". This apparently keeps Petco customers from stopping him and asking where the kitty litter is stocked, but doesn't automatically gain respect from dogs who won't be able to read his shirt until at least the third or fourth session of Obedience School.
The curriculum for Session 1 included the "Heel" command. Session 1 ended with a Pop Quiz. We had to keep our pets docile at our hip as we walked up and down the aisles. To get an "A" grade, the dog must respond to verbal and hand commands. For a "Gentleman's C", a few tugs on his leash may be required. For an "F", the dog would ravage the treats shelved right before his eyes and consume a ferret or two (You eat it; you bought it!).
I'm proud to say that our doggie rated a strong C+ and, better yet, the yellow lab puppy was a weak C- at best. Already, he's the smartest one in his class. I can picture him in his little cap and gown giving the Valedictory Address at graduation. No anthropomorphism here.
Just kidding! Actually, the anthropomorphism of the occasion was significant. Will our dog get along with his classmates? Will he be bullied? Which clique will he hang out with - the jocks, the nerds, the druggies? I actually worried about these things.
Petco hosted the Obedience School. What better environment to demand a canine's attention than one filled with toys, food, unfamiliar smells, people walking by, and, best of all, caged creatures to sniff and possibly eat? No distractions here.
Of course, the ultimate distraction was "our boy's" classmate, a yellow lab puppy. When they went at each other for the traditional butt sniff, discipline was swift and chilling. The instructor demanded "Sit" and "Stay" in his best Leader of the Pack command voice. Naturally, it didn't work. It was like insisting that the class derive the Pythagorean Theorem on the first day of geometry class. "Sorry, Leader of the Pack, you can't give the final exam before you've taught us the material."
The Instructor was wearing an official shirt with embroidered lettering reading "Dog Trainer". This apparently keeps Petco customers from stopping him and asking where the kitty litter is stocked, but doesn't automatically gain respect from dogs who won't be able to read his shirt until at least the third or fourth session of Obedience School.
The curriculum for Session 1 included the "Heel" command. Session 1 ended with a Pop Quiz. We had to keep our pets docile at our hip as we walked up and down the aisles. To get an "A" grade, the dog must respond to verbal and hand commands. For a "Gentleman's C", a few tugs on his leash may be required. For an "F", the dog would ravage the treats shelved right before his eyes and consume a ferret or two (You eat it; you bought it!).
I'm proud to say that our doggie rated a strong C+ and, better yet, the yellow lab puppy was a weak C- at best. Already, he's the smartest one in his class. I can picture him in his little cap and gown giving the Valedictory Address at graduation. No anthropomorphism here.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Laws and Sausages
Bismarck said, "You don't want to know what goes into the making of either laws or sausages."
The Iron Chancellor would be pleased (or perhaps appalled) that things haven't changed very much. The current issue of Time includes the following "Back & Forth" from the floor of the Senate as it debates the proposed Health Care Reform Bill.
Jon Kyl, Arizona Republican - "I don't need maternity care so requiring that to be in my insurance plan would would make my policy more expensive."
Debbie Stabenow, Michigan Democrat - "I think your mom probably needed it though."
So we've gone from "Death Panels" to abortion coverage to illegal immigrant eligibility to maternity care for males. One wonders how laws are ever passed what with 535 cooks stirring the pot and millions of dollars of potential "campaign contributions" on hold pending the outcome.
Yet, working within what appears to be a flawed system, our elected representatives have come up with civil rights, poverty relief, environmental, and labor legislation that gives us an equitable, free society. It's not all sawdust and entrails that go into the democratic sausage. Bismarck probably would be pleased.
The Iron Chancellor would be pleased (or perhaps appalled) that things haven't changed very much. The current issue of Time includes the following "Back & Forth" from the floor of the Senate as it debates the proposed Health Care Reform Bill.
Jon Kyl, Arizona Republican - "I don't need maternity care so requiring that to be in my insurance plan would would make my policy more expensive."
Debbie Stabenow, Michigan Democrat - "I think your mom probably needed it though."
So we've gone from "Death Panels" to abortion coverage to illegal immigrant eligibility to maternity care for males. One wonders how laws are ever passed what with 535 cooks stirring the pot and millions of dollars of potential "campaign contributions" on hold pending the outcome.
Yet, working within what appears to be a flawed system, our elected representatives have come up with civil rights, poverty relief, environmental, and labor legislation that gives us an equitable, free society. It's not all sawdust and entrails that go into the democratic sausage. Bismarck probably would be pleased.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Doctor Dan
As a chemical engineering major, my undergraduate courses included Physical, Inorganic, and Organic Chemistry. The toughest of the three was Organic Chemistry because all those aspiring Marcus Welby pre-med types shared the course with us. They absolutely, positively had to ace "Organic" to get a shot at med school and would devote uncounted hours to memorizing the difference between alkanes, alkenes, and alkynes, thus skewing "the grading curve", sending us closer to a mid-term "F" and the dreaded "We will notify your Draft Board on your lack of academic progress."
Apparently, doctors aren't as chemically literate as they were back in the day. "Doctor Dan" writes to the automotive advice column, "Click & Clack Talk Cars":
"You mentioned in a recent column that ethylene glycol (anti-freeze) is toxic to animals. Is it also toxic to humans? I'm a doctor and I prescribe a medicine for my patients that cleans out their colon. Its main ingredient is polyethylene glycol which sounds an awful lot like ethylene glycol. So when I prescribe this, am I really prescribing anti-freeze? Could I just tell my patients to down a gallon of Prestone and save themselves a trip to the pharmacy?"
Click & Clack correctly point out that after downing a gallon of anti-freeze, your annual colonoscopy is the last thing you need to worry about. Immediate heart failure and, if you survive that, kidney damage might be more pressing issues.
My response to "Doctor Dan" would be:
"Good question, Dan-o! Those chemists and their confusing, similar-sounding names for things! Let's discuss this over a shot or two of methyl alcohol. It's just one letter more than the ethyl alcohol that makes up half of Cuervo tequila and has the added advantage of causing blindness and respiratory failure. To do it right, we'll need a lick of salt and a squeeze of lemon. If we can't find any sodium chloride table salt, we'll go with calcium chloride de-icing salt. They "sound an awful lot" alike and it's not as if the calcium chloride will scar your trachea every time. If lemons are out of season, their critical ingredient is citric acid. Let's just change the first letter to "n". A squeeze of Nitric Acid and that harsh tequila taste will go right away. In fact, you won't taste anything ever again because the acid will dissolve your tongue.
By the way, Doctor Dan, it's probably a good idea to have some concept of the chemical properties of what you prescribe for your patients."
Apparently, doctors aren't as chemically literate as they were back in the day. "Doctor Dan" writes to the automotive advice column, "Click & Clack Talk Cars":
"You mentioned in a recent column that ethylene glycol (anti-freeze) is toxic to animals. Is it also toxic to humans? I'm a doctor and I prescribe a medicine for my patients that cleans out their colon. Its main ingredient is polyethylene glycol which sounds an awful lot like ethylene glycol. So when I prescribe this, am I really prescribing anti-freeze? Could I just tell my patients to down a gallon of Prestone and save themselves a trip to the pharmacy?"
Click & Clack correctly point out that after downing a gallon of anti-freeze, your annual colonoscopy is the last thing you need to worry about. Immediate heart failure and, if you survive that, kidney damage might be more pressing issues.
My response to "Doctor Dan" would be:
"Good question, Dan-o! Those chemists and their confusing, similar-sounding names for things! Let's discuss this over a shot or two of methyl alcohol. It's just one letter more than the ethyl alcohol that makes up half of Cuervo tequila and has the added advantage of causing blindness and respiratory failure. To do it right, we'll need a lick of salt and a squeeze of lemon. If we can't find any sodium chloride table salt, we'll go with calcium chloride de-icing salt. They "sound an awful lot" alike and it's not as if the calcium chloride will scar your trachea every time. If lemons are out of season, their critical ingredient is citric acid. Let's just change the first letter to "n". A squeeze of Nitric Acid and that harsh tequila taste will go right away. In fact, you won't taste anything ever again because the acid will dissolve your tongue.
By the way, Doctor Dan, it's probably a good idea to have some concept of the chemical properties of what you prescribe for your patients."
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Semantics
When one word or phrase with the same meaning is substituted for another, it is referred to as a matter of semantics.
Semantics can be benign. Asphalt, blacktop, macadam, and flexible paving all mean the same thing and can be freely substituted.
Semantics can be inflammatory. Courtesan, lady of the evening, prostitute, and whore all mean the same thing but have different connotations.
Semantics can also be unintentionally comical. In last Sunday's 49ers - Vikings game, the Minnesota defense called false audibles and jumped back and forth in an attempt to get the San Francisco offense to jump off-side. Referee Jerome Boger (Poor soul. Imagine the mockery he endured in middle school. "Yo, Booger Boger! Ha-ha!") correctly signalled a delay-of-game penalty against the Vikings. He then switched on his microphone and announced to a national TV audience, "Delay of game. Five yards. Minnesota was committing an unnatural act."
According to the NFL Rulebook, the term for this foul is actually "disconcerting activity" which is comical in its own right but certainly doesn't bring the same mental image to an audience (particularly one in San Francisco) as "unnatural act".
Somewhere, Mr Roget is saying, "It's time to update that Thesaurus. In my original edition, I never thought of "disconcerting activity" and "unnatural act" as synonyms, but times change. Semantics is an evolving science."
Semantics can be benign. Asphalt, blacktop, macadam, and flexible paving all mean the same thing and can be freely substituted.
Semantics can be inflammatory. Courtesan, lady of the evening, prostitute, and whore all mean the same thing but have different connotations.
Semantics can also be unintentionally comical. In last Sunday's 49ers - Vikings game, the Minnesota defense called false audibles and jumped back and forth in an attempt to get the San Francisco offense to jump off-side. Referee Jerome Boger (Poor soul. Imagine the mockery he endured in middle school. "Yo, Booger Boger! Ha-ha!") correctly signalled a delay-of-game penalty against the Vikings. He then switched on his microphone and announced to a national TV audience, "Delay of game. Five yards. Minnesota was committing an unnatural act."
According to the NFL Rulebook, the term for this foul is actually "disconcerting activity" which is comical in its own right but certainly doesn't bring the same mental image to an audience (particularly one in San Francisco) as "unnatural act".
Somewhere, Mr Roget is saying, "It's time to update that Thesaurus. In my original edition, I never thought of "disconcerting activity" and "unnatural act" as synonyms, but times change. Semantics is an evolving science."
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